Right and Wrong

I think folks have an innate sense of right and wrong. I believe it is a gift from God, and that for most of us most of the time it is easy to know what is fair, what is right good and just and kind and loving.

But...

I am having a lot of trouble on this one.

My wife has left, though she has made small overtures toward reconciliation. My children are hurting. I am hurting.

And I am exhausted.

I am torn between staying true to my wedding vows and in admitting that there isn’t any hope in repairing them. I am torn between what scripture says about forgiveness and love, and protecting my children, my home, and myself. I am torn between helping my wife get healthy and whole, and letting her make her own choices, using the free will God gave her.

Last night we had another Moon Howlin’. I had a bratwurst on a stick hovering over the coals while four buddies and I talked about anything and nothing. And of course, important things.


Yesterday was a strange day. Brenda came over in the morning. We went and walked the cemetery and talked.

She was apologetic, saying she was sorry, that she wished she hadn’t done what she had done, that she would fix it if she could, but she can’t.

I asked her several times if she would really wants to. She was evasive, but finally asked what I was thinking.

I told her I felt she had three areas of her life that were really messed up. That she needed to get help with them.

She needs to work her AA steps and get a grip on her alcohol dependency. She has a sponsor to help her, and she should listen to her, work those steps.

She needs psychological help. She is so angry, so hurt, so confused, so self-destructive. She needs counseling and to work through those internal demons and find a way to heal her heart and mind. She has been hurt for years and she in needs a psychological counselor to help her work those steps.

She needs spiritual help. A marriage should have two people pulling in the same direction. She feels God is cruel, callous, uncaring, and vindictive. I have been growing in one direction spiritually and she in another. She needs someone who can come alongside her and show her how God is loving, kind. That the hurts of the world do not come from Him, but from the evil choices people make.

I also told her she is too proud. She doesn’t put herself under authority easily, and that is why it is hard for her to take such steps.

She and I have experienced hard things together. But sharing experiences does not mean we feel the same way about them.

For her, Willy’s death was a bad thing. A terrible thing. But it happened and it is over. For me, I cannot think back to it and not feel guilt and great sorrow. For me that event was a watershed event which pours through all the years which followed.

For me, the church fire was a bad thing. A terrible thing. But it happened and it is over. For her, she cannot get away from that event and sees the presence of Jeremiah in our home as a constant reminder of the problems he represents, the burden he will always be for her, a watershed event which continues to pour through all the years which follow.

We experience such things very differently and now we are so far apart.

As for our marriage, it is over if she stays with him. Flat over. I told her she needs to find some other place to live, a neutral place. Her AA sponsor has offered her a place.

At the counseling session yesterday the counselor asked her what she was doing there if she was seeing this other man. What did she want?

Brenda suddenly became very angry and said she didn’t know and left.

The counselor turned to me. I sat there, a little stunned. She told me I had to leave as well. If I stayed Brenda would not feel the counselor was impartial.

Brenda was surprised to see me coming out into the parking lot.

“What are you doing out here?”

“She kicked me out.”

I explained why.

"I hate that woman."

"I don't know why. She isn't taking sides and is just asking whatt we want out of counseling. I was surprised when you left.

"I thought you would have told her we were there to learn to better communicate, or get a little help in working through this mess..."

We went back in together.

Bottom line, she said she would move out from John’s by Saturday. She needed to get someone to help her move the furniture she has over there and she didn’t want to ask him to do it.

At first, that sounded to me like she was taking the right step. She is going to move to a neutral place, and promising to stop seeing him.

But...

She is giving herself two more days there.

That isn’t an indication she is serious. If she were, she would have spent the night somewhere else.

Maybe I am tired. I only had four hours sleep again last night, typical of the past week, and those hours were filled with nightmares.

I think I have to divorce her.

Gazing into those coals of that fire last night things seem simple. A fire is like that. An elemental part of the world.


But in gazing at my life right and wrong doesn’t seem to be always so clear.