“You left me for another man! You left! There are consequences for that!”
“I paid for that house too! It’s my house too!”
“Look, I’m sorry you’re hurt and angry. But when you walked in on me the other day while I was on the toilet so you could throw something away, it got to me. I didn’t even know you were in the house.
“You have been secretive about where you are, where John lives, and yet you can come and go here as you please? You left me for another man! Think about what that means to me!”
“So that is how it is. Fine.”
“Look, I want us to get together again. I love you. I would love to work this out. But I need some control over my own home. You left. This doesn’t have to be the final thing between us. If you stop seeing him, if you get help for yourself, I won’t divorce you. I’ll keep you on my health insurance. I will help you in any way I can. But you need to demonstrate I can trust you”
We were walking our dog, Rocky, in the woods.
As we started the walk she had reached out and taken my hand. We walked like that a ways, making small talk.
I had told her that I hoped things could work out, I was working my way around to telling her I had changed the locks on the house.
“I know,” she said. “I love you, too. But I also love John.”
I let go of her hand. We walked on in silence.
I mentioned that I had had a bad night, four hours' sleep, nightmares.
I knew she would not take the lock thing well.
She had called before coming over, just as I had asked her to in a text message earlier.
“How are you set for money?” I asked.
“I’m OK. John gave me $20.”
I pulled a $20 out and gave it to her.
“No, that’s all right,” she said. “You keep your money.”
“I don’t want you broke. Take it.”
We walked a little further. I opened my wallet again looked at the $7 in it. Opened the hidden pocket, took out my stash, another $20, gave it to her. She protested a little more firmly, but ended up taking it.
We did a couple of laps on the looping wood-chip paths of the woods a mile from our home.
“This isn’t a situation I am happy with,” I told her. “I want it to be different. We can divorce if you want, but I want to work things out. This is a path toward reconciliation if you want it. Stay somewhere neutral, get yourself better, don’t see John, and it can work out.”
“I get it! I get it!”
The conversation grew tense, and then sad. We went “home.”
She had come with her clothes packed in the car. She was indeed moving out from John’s. She had planned on moving her stuff back into our home and staying with her AA sponsor for a while.
She told me she was going to an AA meeting tonight, across the river in Wilsonville. That she was meeting with her sponsor at a Starbuck’s at 7:00 before the meeting and she would ask her if she could stay with her (she had offered before).
The afternoon was... weird. She was angry, upset, but had no where to go, and suddenly, she finds this house is no longer her home. She asked if she could go lie down in our bed, maybe take a nap with the dog.
“Of course.”
After a while I went in, lay beside her, read a bit. She was crying a little.
I got up when I heard the dryer chime, announcing it had finished drying the load of Levi’s.
I fixed dinner. It was strange.
She seemed to suddenly get it. She was my guest. This was no longer her home. She came out when the phone rang, answered it. I asked her who it was when she hung up.
“Someone taking a poll.”
I treated her as I would a guest. Fixed her a coffee. She offered to help with dinner. I told her to just go and relax, that I could handle it.
She apologized for answering the phone. I told her it was all right.
She said she wanted to put her clothes in the closet. I told her that was fine.
“I guess I can come by when the kids are here and get changes of clothes when I need them.”
She was hinting that she would like a key to the house. I didn’t respond.
While I fixed dinner she made trip after trip from the car to the bedroom, putting her things back.
Isaac had a sly smile brightening his face, he was struggling to hide his hope. He thought she was back.
We sat down for dinner. I reached out and took the boys' hands for prayer. The readily took my hands and she saw that we had changed the way we began our meals. We no longer say grace over our food with each of us clasping our own hands. Things have changed.
She insisted on doing the dishes. She and I talked a little about appointments, things she could come over and help with. She wants to fix them breakfast before school on Monday, get here about 6:30.
When it got time for her to leave I was in the living room reading to the boys. She announced she was taking off, that she would see us tomorrow. Isaac’s face darkened.
So, she has gone to her meeting. I’m listening to Pavarotti. I don’t understand Italian, but I like his voice anyway.
It is dark outside.
16 comments:
i personally think this is good ... hard consequences to her hard choices. she's forced you to live with the consequences of her choices, but she hasn't faced them yet. now you're forcing her to. good. keep it up.
I was putting the boys to bed as i do each night. I chat with them, pray withthem. I was upstairs, a former attic turned into Isaac's bedroom, and the phone rang.
I raced downstairs (4 rings & it goes to voicemail).
It was Brenda. She was at her sponsor's home, spending the night.
I was pretty surprised she called, made sure I had the phone # there.
I suppose she is trying to reassure me that she is not at John's.
Perhaps there were a few steps forward today.
Not all of it was positive. Not all of it was negative.
This blog started as a private place to journal this strange, difficult twist in my life.
Sometimes I wonder why so many folks read this stuff. some I invited. A few asked to come when I first jumped this topic over from Job's Tale. A few have simply stumbled upon it, random meanderings through the internet and have stuck around.
Most never leave a comment.
Sometimes folks leave comments which encourage. Sometimes folks leave comments I disagree with, and sometimes ones I feel are what I would say. And sometimes, sometimes there is advice I disagree with... at first.
Lately, through comments and emails, folks have become more vocal about this idea of divorce.
And that is a difficult topic for Christ Followers.
I know that I have always tried to project an attitude of kindly accetance toward those who have gone through a divorce. Now I see that I was secretly a bigot in that I had hidden my feelings that in some way they had failed by divorcing the mate they had sworn to love forever.
Now I find myself wrestling with the issues of marriage and divorce. Is a marriage a marriage if one partner is unfaitful, repeatedly unfaithful, and wants out? Isn't a marriage a partnership, and if a partner quits, doesn't that in itself dissolve the partnership?
Or... should marriage be maintained, no matter the expense to self esteem, to cherished values, one's own philosophy of sticking withwhat one (I) vowed to do?
Is there a point where trying to do what is right, perhaps what is extremely difficult, becomes evidence of being spineless, being a doormat?
I am so grateful for the advice, good, bad, for me, not for me... the prayers, especially the prayers.
I am grateful that i have this place to toss my thoughts, to wrestle between the theology and philosophy and psychology of myself, and the grit of my uncomfortable experiences.
Just a few days ago I thought this marriage was over. Today, I don't know.
But, as Isaac put it: "Another small step forward."
You are going in the right direction. Take it easy.
Changing the locks on your doors, treating your wife, the woman you love, like a guest in her own home, enforcing rules, regulations and ultimatums upon her...these are not steps towards working on your marriage.
You can continue to analyze, psychoanalyze, philosophize your marriage, your wife, your children, yourself, your parents, your life....until the day you die.... or you can join together with your wife and two boys and begin to re-build your home, your family, your life from the very foundation up beginning with the One you trust so much....Jesus Christ the Lord.
The harsh reality here is that neither of you is without blame, neither of you, at least not in God's eyes. The hope and promise for you and Brenda is you both say you love each other and want to work on the marriage.
God has not yet, nor will he in the future, give you more than you can handle.
I don't know how many times I have read the above comment today.
I know the person who wrote this, and she is truly a kind person.
But I don't understand parts of this. There is the implication that Brenda wants to work on this marriage more than I. I'm certain that is untrue.
The issue here is fidelity and trust. I don't think the Lord would have me take a chance with my children's happiness to let my wife come back in our homes without the certainty, or at least confidence, that her betrayal won't happen a fourth time.
Perhaps I am not patient enough. I believe I am able to forgive her, but the trust is something I simply don't have yet. I wish I did.
I think, and maybe I am wrong, that having her stay elsewhere for a while, and demonstrate she can be true to me, isn't so much to ask after she has been having an affair for the last year. n If she loves me, I would think she would be willing to make amends in this way.
I might be asking too much, but it is all I can offer right now.
This has torn my children up terribly. And I have paid this past year with my own health.
I have thought much about the forgiveness God has graced me with, and wondered if I am being too demanding. In my heart, I don't think I am.
Perhaps I am wrong.
Still, I appreciate the genuine, heartfelt opinion. Everyone is welcome here to say what they please. I know it must have felt like taking a risk leaving the comment and I am glad the effort was taken.
I have been quiet and refrained from comment on the last couple posts. You know I am here Will. You know I care. I try to remind you when I feel you might need it most. Lately I have been more subdued not because I have nothing to say, but because I have too much to say.
After reading your comment about Brenda’s call and then reading anonymous’ comment, I felt like tossing a buffalo nickel into the mix.
Will – I am sorry if my words offend any of your readers. I am sorry if my words make you uncomfortable. And I know you don’t need me to speak up in defense of you. So I will speak for principle.
I spent years learning about the subtleties between denominations. I attended services regularly for over a decade. I went to bible school, bible summer camp and Sunday school. I have read the bible. My wife has read the bible cover to cover twice in the last year. We talk about it. We believe.
That being said, I’m quite sure that most people reading here could best me in quick draw bible verse trivia, so please refrain from getting your panties in a wad and leaving me a nasty gram. Try to take what I say with an open mind. And I will do my best to be as gentlemanly as possible in my wording and direction.
I believe Jesus died for our sins. I believe no one is capable of doing what He did. I believe He wants us to TRY to be LIKE Him. I do not believe He for one second expects or even wants us to BE Him!
The bible was written by many in an attempt to accurately recount (among many other things) the life, death and rebirth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This journal was not written by The Father, Son and Holy Ghost. This leaves NO margin for YOUR or MY interpretation! For instance, “turn the other cheek” may mean keep turning your cheek each time you get slapped until the slapper gets tired and leaves you be. It may mean, let the slapper have two shots at you, but if he goes for a third, kick his ass. Maybe this is where “an eye for an eye” comes into play.? Basic and silly, but you get my point.
This is the simplest way I can say it: If you don’t have children, DO NOT tell a parent how they should handle ANY parenting issue. If you’ve never been through a tragedy someone else has, DO NOT tell them you know how they feel. You don’t. Even if you have been in the same situation, still don’t. Everyone is different and feels things differently. Each experience is unique. Even if you did actually walk in their shoes for a mile, don’t get too self-righteous and preachy. They walked the other million miles in them, full of pebbles and burrs, with broken laces and holes in the soles. And if you’re not an ordained preacher, try not to preach.
DO NOT STATE YOUR OPPINIONS AS FACT!!!! And unless someone asks you for your opinion, how ‘bout just offering prayer, love and support instead?
Rant correction:
Second sentence in last paragraph: Meant to say, "And unless someone asks you for your 'advice.'"
It's all opinion. I'm many things, but not a hypocrite.
Thanks Justin.
I somehow knew you'd rise to my defense here.
I'm having a bit of a rough patch of raod here, but I believe it will work out.
Brenda has even said she thinks it would be simpler to move back in. but she hasn't done the important things yet. She hasn't made it clear that she has broken things off with this other man. She has not demonstrated to me evidence that I can trust her.
I want to, but I'm tired of the yo yo existence, I need her love, but I need to be certain of it.
This make tick some folks off, that I am contemplating edivorce. I understnad Christians don't care for it.
Adn I do't either. Because I do believe in marriage. And for me marriage is a partnership.
partner stil wishes to do "business."
I need to understnad that my wife and what she wants, aned what she can and cannot do.
If she can be faithful, will be faithful, can return my love, then I wil do everything to heal this union.
Meanwhile... it is too late... I need sleep. I have children I have to get up in time for church.
I know it's hard not to over-think everything... each comment, each expression.
Just keep doing the next right thing, CS.
Peace :)
I can always tell when you're exhausted. Your typing suffers. :)
Judas Hate, I'd love to meet you, one day.
Even God has a final point. He may pour out His blessings on the just and the unjust, but He draws the line when He asks us to believe and have faith. And you either do, or you don't.
As much as folks talk about gray areas, I would think a clear boundary would be met with a sigh of relief. Absolute and relative can coexist, but they can't breed.
Draw your lines in the sand, Will, as you need to. I'm on the side of the God who loves you, and whatever support you ask of me, I will do my best to offer, unless He tells me not to.
I don't pretend to know your pain.
But I do hope that it eases.
((((((())))))))))
Spent an afternoon with someone who is an alcoholic and now a sponsoree. Works extensively with alcoholics. Talked at length about the recovery of an alcoholic. Enabling, co dependence isn't going to help anyone. Standing firm, making it clear and not allowing the dysfunction to continue is a must for her to heal also. You can't heal her. God and Brenda need to do the healing first. Probably good to continue in al anon if you can do the schedule. I'm proud of you.
Judas Hate you are RIGHT ON.
I got nuthin Will save to point you to Him...trusting that He's got your back while the rest of us only can know what we read here....so nuthin but that and of course my prayers....funny how they come for my blogging friends.
I read your blog because even though I don't know you in person, I feel that I care about you and your family. I am praying for things to improve, whatever direction that may be.
Thanks Aphra. I haven't read a comment from you for quite a while and it's good you are still hanging around.
Thanks to the rest of you as well.
I'm exhausted, or I'd spend a little time catch y'all up on things...
Perhaps after work..
I always read, but things have been crazy at work and I haven't been able to think straight enough to comment :) My course is almost over- last classes on Wed. and then my students just have a project to turn in.
I saw a scientific paper on SIDS a number of months ago and meant to tell you about it. They were doing hearing tests on babies to predict if they would be a victim of SIDS. Apparently there was a hearing difference between the left and right ears of babies who went on to be victims of SIDS. They were saying that there was some sort of pressure difference in the brain that caused the hearing discrepancy but it also resulted in the blood not being pumped correctly through the body. I wish I could remember where I read it.
That is interesting (about SIDS). It is a painful topic for me... I need to keep learning more because I still have such strong feelings about it...
When Willy died, it was the first time I had laid him on his stomache to sleep (though I had been warned not to let him stay that way). It was also the first time I let him cry himself to sleep (I held myself back from scooping him up and comforting him because I thougth he was too reliant on my rocking arms, soothing voice, and he needed to learn to sleep on his own). Even though he grew quiet and fell asleep, I waited alomost five minutes before checking on him.
I know I shoouldn't feel huilty... logically I know this... buit deep inside, I hold myselff responsible. I can't seem to forgive myself.
Anyway... Thanks for passing on the word. There are probably many causes behind SIDS.
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