Email Update

I just don’t feel up to writing tonight... but I know the last post was cryptic, so I thought I’d let all of you know what’s going on.

But... I’m lazy right now, and I thought I’d just copy the following interchange of emails with a friend to let y’all in on my state of mind. Hope you don’t mind the second hand reprint... I don’t think my friend will mind that I post this either...

My friend:

just making sure you aren't suicidal....

Me:

No...

Actually I'm better than I have been in a long time.


not saying things aren't screwed up. They really are.

At the counselor's I let the usual complaining over my past mistakes run for a half hour. Most of what she had to say was about two decades ago, or about how hard it is dealing with the boys.

then I pushed the conversation, gently, toward where I knew she was headed... That she didn't want this life anymore.

I pushed her enough to get her off the topic of the past and onto the present.

Said I was tired of this whole thing.

Asked if she could imagine us having the kind of marriage we should have.

She had trouble saying she could. Kept talking about how she has these responsibilities to deal with.

I told her I didn't buy it. Though it would be hard, I would finish raising the boys if she didn't want to be here. I said that it sounded to me like she didn't see a future here and I said OK... now lets talk about how to do this divorce thing amicably.

We left the counselor with the promise that next time there would be no longer talk of the past... just present and future.

All the way home I told her that I loved her, I wanted what was good for her, but without a commitment to marriage, I give up. We talked over the details of divorce.

Then...

she started apologizing for the choices she has made, how she has hurt me...

I have accepted those statements, but have made it clear that I am still assuming nothing... that I am looking ahead to getting this cleared up at our next session... the present and the future... tired of the past.

I think she is a little scared... a lot ashamed, has some very harsh words for herself...

But, I'm pushing for either a divorce, now, or a real effort to fix what is wrong.

She said I could keep the house, and if I ever sold it or moved I could give her what was her share then.

I told her nope.

I didn't want to have to figure out at some future date how much equity was hers at this time compared to then... That I would be glad to sit down, look at our assets, our debts, get her what is fair now. Even if it meant that she should get a thousand dollars or so we didn't have, I would be willing to put it on a credit card and make payments just to make things fair and ended.

So...

I'm OK.

I figure there are some tough times ahead.

If divorce, then the mess of figuring this all out and the hard work of raising the boys.

If reconciliation, then the mess of figuring that out and the hard work of working on our marriage.

I know I'll hurt either way... but that someday the hurt will end.

Willy's death hurt so bad that I am still bruised from it. But that event is no longer the central focus of my life.

This will also, one day, something that happened. not something that is happening.


love ya...

'Leaf

My friend:

wow - excellent will. I'm proud of you.

Me:

I think that last post I wrote... about John... helped somehow.

I'm still feeling pretty mixed up enough about it... seeing all those connections between faith, anger, sexuality, forgiveness...

But, I think making the effort to pray for him, of all people, did me good.

I recognize Brenda's role in all of this, I do not accept more blame than I am responsible for... but, I'm not afraid of divorce. If she cannot be the woman I need her to be... OK... her choice.

And...

Perhaps I can even take some of that blame... meaning I chose poorly. I decided to marry her. no one forced me...

I made that choice as well.

I can also choose to say, this is enough.

I am willing to work through it with the counselor if she wants to heal our marriage... but if she doesn't...

fine.

The counselor asked her where would she live if she left.

She said she didn't know, probably with john.

I told her that she could do as she pleases, but, I strongly urge her not to move in with him. not because of jealousy, though I feel some of that, but because she should not jump from one relationship to another without getting herself straight. I told her that there must be someone she knows in all those AA meetings with a spare bedroom she could rent.

I told her I love her, I want to help her, that if we divorce I will do that with as much integrity and honor as I can. I will be fair, kind, loving.

I will do what I should.

: /

My friend:

great note BUT Will i wouldn't give her advice of the "future possibility". She may feel it's add'l control over her choices. If she goes she needs to go on her own....just my unasked for opinion : )
I would hope she would choose to stay and get healthy BUT again, she has to make her own choices as hard as that is to observe.

Me:

Yeah... I just want what's best for her... and I think she understood that was the underlying message.

I'm feeling OK right now.

Feels kind of weird.

My friend:

well enjoy the weirdness of feeling at peace as peace can be under the circumstances. I doubt Brenda thought you'd reach this point.

Me:

Yeah... she's moody again tonight.

She started on a rant earlier when I got home... something about all the meetings and stuff we have to do for the boys. I said, "Don't do 'em. Tell me what you don't want to do, I'll call, and schedule it for me to do."

Then, each time she got a little grumpy, I just smiled and walked out of the room.


I understand she is unhappy. She should be. I understand she has low self esteem... she earned that too.

I'll help her if I can... But if I can't, well that will be up too her.

And you are right about possibilities. My biggest concern here is that she continue to try to find a middle ground... that she just suggests we might work it out... so she can releave her guilt by martyring herself caring for the boys.

I need to thread that needle right.

If we are going to work it out, it will have to be an earnest commitment.

I haven't told her that I can get those phone records out. I'll just see how it plays out. Couple more weeks with the counselor should make it very clear if she is really going to stop sitting in the compost pile of the past, or turn toward a future. If it looks iffy... then I'll see if she has been making calling to where he works, and call her on it.

But... I'll give the counselor a shot. Heck, it's been seven months and still haven't quite lost ALL my marbles. What's another fortnight?

--------------------

So there you are folks... a quick update courtesy of an anon. friend.

Love you all.

Will