I have a lot of friends.
That continues to surprise me because I never had much in the way of friends growing up. I have a buddy from junior high, but no one else from school.
Kids thought me a little odd I suppose. Sort of the science nerdy type... though I could physical if pushed.
But... I have a lot of friends now. People in my church love me. My Moon Howlin' buddies would be available for me any hour of the day. And there are folks at work who are much more than colleagues.
And, I have you.
I don't think I can convince you how much I appreciate all you have done for me.
I'm just a guy in an odd corner of the internet, and I have so many people dropping in to read my posts, to leave words of encouragement, to pray for me daily.
I am deeply honored and very surprised. (I don't like the word "very" but what the heck, I'm going to use it now). How is it that so many people care that much about me?!
The comments I have been receiving have buoyed me. They are a touchstone I can rub against, test myself and see if I am who I think I am.
I appreciate you so much!
OK... what's going on... The interactions with Brenda the last few days has revealed something to me... something about me.
I am codependant.
I depend on her in ways that are not healthy. Part of my identity is tied to not only being a husband, but being her husband. It has been very difficult to hold my ground as I try to set boundaries she so deftly crosses.
Today, after church, I took the boys out. It was only 11:30, but I decided if we weren't home we couldn't get drawn into anything with her. There was a 2:00 movie we could catch, and we killed time until then.
It was difficult, wandering the mall with the boys. My heart was pounding. I felt woozy. I suppose not eating today might have something to do with that.
She called about 1:00, asking where I was. She was at the house because "she was doing some cleaning at her mom's and needed some other clothes to work in."
The message was clear. I had the windows and doors locked. She was ticked.
I can see she has not realized what I need... I told her to reread that letter from Friday. I can see that she hasn't taken me seriously.
On the phone she said "You're making it very hard for me to do the right thing."
A couple of things about that remark.
First, it implies I am responsible for her actions, that her doing the right thing depends on me.
Secondly, it implies that her motivations for trying to work things out come from a sense of guilt and responsibility.
That isn't enough for us to be married.
I don't trust her.
That's enough right there.
That I even entertain the idea that there may be a way for us through this shows how far down the road of codependance we have come.
She is responsible for herself.
I suggested again she get an apartment (hence the above statement).
This is tough for me.
It is tough because of all the responsibilities for this home I have picked up.
It is tough because I do not want to give up on the fantasy I had for my life, of being true to one woman. (I have not kissed another woman since I met Brenda February 29, 1980.)
It is tough because I have entwined my life so much with hers that even when we have gone this far apart, I feel that pushing her away, setting these boundaries, is like ripping out a part of me.
That was a little melodramatic, wasn't it?
But... it is how I feel. It hurts more than I can find words to express.
So...
I'm off to an Al Anon meeting.
God bless you for your friendship.
About Me
- Curious Servant
- I have adopted two boys from Haiti. Both are mentally handicapped. One is is now 20, the other 18. I divorced my wife of 28 years a few years ago and have just remarried, a woman from Belize. I find beauty in many things... many, many things (nature, art, people, space...) and that helps me to survive my deep empathy for so many who suffer. I like to write, and I've written quite a bit on my blogs. I have been thinking about writing a book. Unsure if it should be about the things I have experienced, or fiction (I have an interesting plot line worked out). I'm pretty open about things. I like blended whiskey, but I never have more than two drinks... usually just one, and not often at that. I have had many adventures. Makes me a little different. (Odd?)
6 comments:
Will keep it up. You and the boys and not letting her know your every detail. Keep the boundaries. Glad you're going to Al Anon...you're not in this alone.
I say very cautiously and seriously - it's time.
You're on the edge and we want to help you keep from going over....
You did good today...proud of you.
Keep it up!!!
I honestly feel we dare not mess or destroy our children in a negative way. Proper nurturing and discipline yes but destroying their self esteem and confidence - not good. They are our charge.
Yes, you are codependent. It wouldn't have gotten this far (Brenda leaving YOU) if you weren't. But, it doesn't mean you must continue to be. Good for you, going to meetings. Keep your boundaries and don't let her manipulate you, because that's what alcoholics do. She will always make you feel like the bad guy, but now more than ever, you have to look out for Number One - yourself. Take care of yourself and the kids, and willfully disregard her feelings or wishes, because she has surrendered any claim or right that she once had to be in your life.
Hang in there. We little sparkling lights in the darkness of the Internet are praying for you.
Yes, Will, when it comes to friends, at least the ones I read daily RIGHT HERE, I would say you are a very blessed man. Lots of people you know and don't know care and pray for you and the boys. Don't forget that, either.
I have several "soap box" issues, but my ONE "candy stick" that can get me flying and ranting is people who don't take responsibility for their own actions. People who blame every one else for what is happening to them. So Brenda didn't think she'd be needing "house cleaning clothes"? DELIVER ME!!! She is a grown women that should know what to expect in her weekly life and should know how to prepare and plan somewhat better. Talk about pulling your strings.
I do not know you at all Will except what I have read these last couple of months. I surely don't know Brenda. But I feel like I know you through your writings, your blogs, and your incredible ability to put into words your feelings.
AND I feel like I DO KNOW Brenda's TYPE all too well.
The "Let Go and Let God" part of AA has to become more than just an AA step for it to really work. Brenda needs to meet God at an old-fashioned altar and alter her heart, her ways, and her life. THEN and only then will she be of any use to herself. And it only after she becomes true to herself that she can become the wife and mother that she needs to be. It is a process that ONLY BRENDA can go through.
You, my new friend, stay true to yourself and your boys. Stay close to God, Will. He and He alone can help. All of us friends can listen, read and perhaps even answer. But there is NO better friend that Jesus. He truly will listen, He truly can fix the problem, He truly will see you through.
I said Brenda vas codependent, hope it did not misfire.
She is manupilative too.Reminds me of the U2 song
cAN 'T LIVE ITH yOU oR vITHOUT yOU.
Aviod all contact vith her phone or personal at least for a veek. She left her clothes in the house, so she can come in anytime SHE vants.
PLease eat. Try all your favorite food, if not the everyday stuff.
Please have faith that your Heavenly Father knows what you need and he will help you even if it hurts......Things don't always go the way we want them to, so hang in there and know that we care for you.
Here is a quote I read the other day: "The worst thing that happens to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you".
Here is a scripture that might be helpful to you. ST. Matthew 11: 28-30. (28) Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (29) Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. (30) For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Go to your Heavenly Father and just tell him, "I can't do this by myself, please help me." He loves you and he will tell you what to do....
You wrote:
"I have a lot of friends".
Yes, you do Will, and I am one of them!! All of us are helping you "wake up", and you are starting to see the picture.
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