Growing a Spine

Brenda is really ticked. She called several times, sent text messages...

"You are making it hard for me to do the right thing."

"...I guess it feels very unfair that no matter how much of our belongings I may have paid for nothing is mine anymore. Oh I know that was my choice but damn it feels a lot like there is no longer any reason for me to stick around! There's nothing for me here that I couldn't have regardless of where I was staying, so what's the use?"

"I am not sure it is worth it to work so hard for a relationship I have not been happy in for such a long time. I guess I could rent a storage space for my stuff while I am at Mom's but it will really reduce the chances of our ever working things out at least I can probably afford that better than an apartment and have access to my personal belongings until I get a full time job. I'd rather not force you to take out a loan on the house at a time when I know it will put more of an economic strain on you. Perhaps I can afford my own place in a few months."

She will be up soon and off to work. Her anger will smolder all day, in her mind creating more justifications for the way she feels, the unfairness of my actions.

I just typed up the following letter and put it on her windshield:

Brenda:

I am so sorry that we are in this place, and most especially about how you are feeling.

It is partly my fault. If I had treated your betrayal during your first affair this seriously, demanding a separation that gave us both space to work on our relationship without the muddiness of something in between, it may have been fixed then. I was weak. I wanted you back (I still do), but I sent you signals that what you had done wasn’t so bad.

I made it worse by responding the same way the second time you moved out.

And the third.

Each time I took you back I said I would not ever do it again. And in letting you walk back again again, I lost a piece of my self respect, and gave you the impression it was OK to betray me.

I believe that your coming and going from our home is confusing to the boys, as it is to me. It needs to be treated as serious as it really is.

You chose to move out. You said you would not help, or return.

I believe we both need some space to heal.

It hurts a great deal that every time we speak you use some sort of threat to get me to do what you want. You have not told me anything that makes me feel that I am nothing more than a disposable piece of shit.

You constantly threaten if I do this or that you will not be likely to work on our relationship, which is the only part of this that matters to me.

You continue to tell me how important John is to you without saying how important I should be, or that I am loved, or that I am worth anything. Instead you threaten legal issues, emotional issues, tell me how little you will do to help.

I don’t give a shit about any of that. I just don’t want this yo yo stuff to continue. Four times you have left me for another.

If things were reversed, I believe you would have kicked my ass out the first time, demanded a permanent legal separation, and had me demonstrate I could be faithful before I would be allowed back in the house.

Somehow, in our society, if a man were to do the same thing he would have been kicked out on his ass and made to live on his own the first time.

This is not what I want.

When you read the last letter I wrote you said: “You’re right. It’s true. You deserve this.”

But, you have not done anything yet to provide for me what I need.

I am so sorry that we are here. But this is exactly what you said you would do, and now you have been trying to back away from that.

Show me I can trust you. Convince me I can trust you. I can’t have you hurt me or the boys this way any more.

I feel like heel.

Here it is 5:00 a.m. I have been up since 4:00... after going to bed at midnight.