Perspective

Jeremiah and Isaac were given airplane rides yesterday. Brenda was running late, but I was able to postpone things until she got to the airport.

Jeremiah rode beside the pilot and I rode in a seat behind him.

Isaac did the same in another plane with Brenda in a seat behind him.

They both got to take the yoke for a few minutes and fly the plane.

Jeremiah
Isaac

I didn’t think it would be as much fun as it was. I’ve been in large planes. I’ve seen small planes in so many movies. But when the plane leapt into the air I had that “woah...” feeling (made me think of my friend JH)...

I settled down quickly and had a great time while the plane flew around the county.

It surprised me how difficult it was to figure out where I was. It all looked so different from that perspective.

But soon I was snapping pictures of the school where I work, the County Fairgrounds, my home...

What seems so large and obvious on the ground can be almost invisible from the air. And what can’t be seen on the ground, the shape and colors of various roofs, trees, rivers, stand out in checkered patterns I can’t appreciate from the ground.

The difference a thousand vertical feet makes... amazing. Quite different from an Earth-tied perspective.

Canby

Where I work

Home

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I’m not really a drinker, I don’t get drunk. Often I won’t finish a beer. When I have a mixed drink it usually stops at one, certainly by the second.

I don’t drink for the effect but the flavor. From my Al Anon meetings I have learned that isn't the way of alcoholics. For them, it isn’t about the taste, it’s about the effect.

In 1915 absinthe was made illegal in the United States. It was considered a psycho active drug and responsible for all sorts of ills as demonstrated by the lives of the many artists and writers who drank it.

I’ve always been curious about it since I learned about it in art history and stories by Ernest Hemingway. I’m curious about lots of things (hence my moniker “CS”).

This year, after close to a century, it has been legalized again in the United States. I got some... mixed myself the drink in the tradition of Vincent Van Gogh and Oscar Wilde. Three ounces of ice water poured over a sugar cube into two ounces of the liquor.

The emerald green turned pearl white as I read it would. It tasted like licorice. Interesting, not something I need to do too often.

It took nearly a hundred years for my country to overcome absinthe’s stigma, realizing the only thing about it that is mind altering is its high alcohol content (up to 150 proof).

The perspective of the passage of so much time changed how it was seen.

Absinthe

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I’ve been thinking a great deal about my marriage.

I’ve been thinking about fidelity. Mine. Hers.

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness. Mine. Hers.

I’ve been thinking about her need for control. How it comes from her deep hurts.

I’ve thought about chores. The mundane ones. The house repair projects I’ve begun. Obviously trying to distract myself.

Finished Walk

House two days ago

House today
(Screen door repainted, and hung correctly now.)

This time I’ve had running this house has given me a new perspective. One I should have perceived a long time ago. I make choices now I didn't before, because there is no one I need consult.

I didn't sleep last night, I still have my head on pretty straight.

Brenda took the boys to get some clothes today and I continued my house repair projects.

When she got back and we ate (she brought some food for all of us), I waited for her in the backyard until she came out.

I told her I wasn't seeing any changes in her. I reminded her I said the only way we could get together again was if I saw she had become someone I could trust, and I wasn't seeing any changes in her. She isn't seeking counseling, she isn't seeking God, she hasn't gone to talk to any of the women in our church because that would mean she would have to prove she is changing.

I reminded her she told me, not too long ago that, as a friend, she thought I shouldn't trust her again.

I told her I had the right to choose the type of person I am married to. I told her I should feel loved, not used.

I told her I was behind a pickup truck in traffic, watched the young woman in the passenger seat reach over and caress the neck of the man who was driving and I thought: "I wish someone wanted me like that."

I told her she has been nice to me lately, that I like that, but it isn't enough. That it feels like she is trying to work her way back in again and that I don't think her phone calls and visits are good for me or the boys.

Usually Jeremiah goes to Brenda's mom's on Sunday nights while I go to Al Anon. I told her I thought that this was an imposition on her mom, with her there and it being such a small apartment. So I didn't think Jeremiah would come over tonight. They will be OK here while I am gone.

I told her that though I had been thinking about going away this weekend, and though I could really use the break from all of this, it would be confusing for the boys for her to stay here while I am gone and that it wouldn't make sense for her to get a motel room for the three of them while I am away. Not since it looks like she isn't making any effort to get a grip on her life.

She really didn't say much to any of it.

I’m getting some perspective.

Life is good. Life is bad. All blessings.

Life is short. Life is eternal.

All of it are blessings.

I’m not at a place where I can simply walk away from my marriage. But from the perspective of where I am right now, I can see it coming.