North

I went back to work today. I stayed home Friday because I was sick, spent the entire weekend drinking juice and hot tea.

Being sick isn’t any fun, but we understand... it’s part of the human experience. Part of life. Happens.

We are told it won’t happen in the after life. Disease is a thing of this 4-D realm, not the larger universe.

That’s nice.

I suppose living an existence which sidesteps the whole entropy thing will have many advantages.

Brenda was over Saturday... she was going to take the boys out for the day, and she wanted to fix them breakfast. I was going to skidaddle but since I wasn’t up to it, I just pulled the covers over my head and ignored the sounds of someone working in the kitchen.

She went too far, cleaning a little too much, fussing over details of our home, my home. I dealt with it, told her it was no longer her place to take care of us.

That felt OK. Honest, clear, drawing boundaries.

The other part of it still doesn’t feel right.

The part that is about confused emotions over a love which no longer fits circumstances, disappointment regarding a failed marriage, slight jealousy regarding another man and the new life she seems to be enjoying.

Her regret for what she has done to our home, her shame for what she feels others think of her, her excitement and enjoyment her new life brings, are reflected in some of my reactions.

There is a part of us, a part of being human, that is a sort of compass. The compass points, as compasses do, in a single direction. We know when we are facing somewhere beside moral north.

I suspect that just as the charged sphere of spinning molten iron within the earth generates our magnetic field, our moral compass is generated by the creative force that holds all things together, the I AM, He breathes His reality into our smaller one.

Once in a while it is difficult to distinguish the finer waverings of our moral compass.

How does one distinguish between selfish and righteous anger? Anger in general is clearly a negative emotion, clearly from the southern side of the moral compass. Yet within the scope of those negative emotions, anger, jealousy, vengeance, it is possible for them to flow from moral north.

Christ expelled the schemers, cheaters, and profiteers from the temple with more than gentle persuasion.

The Lord God was clearly displeased with His people, and with humanity in general, as He tried to mature our beliefs into a faith that draws us nearer to Him.

As I become more used to the single life, as I define myself less frequently as divorced (judging myself on failure), I wonder over the irritation I feel when she comes over, crosses lines, instructs the boys, and then returns to her new life.

I hold my tongue... I quiet my heart. I wonder if the source of my feelings is healthy or not. North or south?

I wish there was chapter on divorce in the Bible.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the nature of the universe, the nature of God. As a human my thoughts, surmises, and imaginings must be terribly inadequate.

This loss of my marriage was (is) a great trauma for me. But it is so far from unique. Divorce is common. I wonder how can so many go through this and we don’t deal with it? Prevent it better. This much universal hurt... Nurture those commitments better.

I’m in no position to talk.

I think it’s like this sickness I’ve had this past week. It is part of living in a fallen world, a universe running on the principles of entropy.

The sun shines... perfect radiant energy shining upon a blue marble rolling through space. Plants imperfectly capture some of that energy, and in bringing a little order out of the chaos, they produce flowers, fruit. Living things consume the plants. Ever decreasing amounts of solar energy is transfered to other living things... plants to herbivores, then carnivores, then those feeding on decay, doing their small part to create a little order in the face of chaos.

God’s love shines... perfect glory powering a universal compass. The good that flows from it, love of our children, love of our mates, love for our fellows and ourselves, is imperfectly caught and transmuted to human scale.

The entropy of the spirit, the discouragement, the sorrows, the jealousy and longings are the entropic result of our innate failure to allow the needle of our spirits pointing moral north.

I love her. Always will. The marital relationship is as dead as the rotting remnants of my vegetable garden. Entropy of the heart.. like all entropy... follows the flight of time’s arrow.

Is there another mate for me? Don’t know. Doesn’t matter.

She and I were mismatched; I see that now. Love can, especially in the young, be a disease sweeping through a person and creating a sort of insanity which disregards contrary evidence.

I’m not for everyone. Perhaps for no one. I’m not the partying type. I’m not the sports type. Perhaps I’m not any particular type at all. Perhaps I am the right type for one particular person.

Doesn’t matter.

I’m getting comfortable with who I am.

I may not be a particular type, but it is interesting that while I consider my reactions to her visits, I also consider how it aligns with my moral compass.

That’s not such a bad type.