This isn't sleep or grogginess... it is pain
Preparing for Surgery #2
This is Grogginess... after the 2nd surgery
He had surgery that afternoon, and things seemed to go well. The nerves in his esophagus have died, his body mistook them for invaders and sent antibodies to deal with them. Because he could not sense the food pushing against the entrance to his stomach the muscle there never opened on its own and he began throwing up the food lodged there. He lost weight.
The surgery opened the confused muscle and now food may fall past it. They also removed a pancreatic tumor in his stomach. Wednesday afternoon.
Was it Friday? Yeah... Friday... they put him on liquids. Cranberry juice is what he asked for... and the pain returned. Terrible pain. He had trouble breathing.
As the day wore on they took various tests, especially when he began founting fluids from his incision.
I went home when Brenda came in... just before they took him in for a CT scan. I was tired. I went and had some dinner... fell asleep. At 6:00 a.m. I checked my phone for messages. They had taken him back in for surgery. The staple for the pancreatic tumor had given way and his abdomen had filled with juice... and water... and a liter of the contrast fluid for the scan.
He is resting now. The pain has greatly subsided. He has tubes coming from his abdomen and nose to drain him. Tubes delivering fluids to his arm, oxygen to his lungs.
Before Brenda came he asked for pain medicine. Not for himself.
"I want a good dose this time," he told the nurse, "...because when I hurt my mom and my dad see it and it makes them sad. I don't want them to cry."
I feel a little frustrated that there was a problem with the surgery. A little frustrated that my comments that his increased pain came with the drinking of the juice and they did not act on it as timely as I would have liked. I expected it to go much better.
But I understand. They saw his symptoms stemming from other causes.
Before Brenda showed I had made him as comfortable as I could. Tried to help him pee (water running, hand in warm water, warm water pouring over him, the sound of a waterfall coming from my iPhone), gave him a sponge bath, lotioned his skin, massaged his shoulders and arms and feet... all the things a helpless parent tries to do...
After all that he started talking. More than I have ever heard him talk before. Gasping in pain... soft music playing in the background... he began to talk.
When I first adopted him I expected to be able to teach him all about the things that are important to me. Since then I have grown accustomed to his mental abilities, but of the last few months he seems more alert (except to his tendency to leave a trail of belongings wherever he goes!). He seems to make more connections, asks deeper questions.
I was astonished at his soliloquy yesterday. He spoke for 15 minutes without stopping. Deep stuff. His life, his faith, social injustice, how his pain was teaching him things. Half way through I began to record it. Through his gasps of pain, over the gentle music playing in his room, he spoke more to me than he has ever had to say before.
It was touching... and... it surprised me how much he has grown.
A dream of mine was what I would be able to teach him... and this little speech showed me he is capable of more than I had thought, and... that he has already learned much. It is more than I expected.
Isaac Reflects on Life, Faith, and Pain
7 comments:
you're such a great dad. amazing what pain does to us ... how much harder it is to watch our children in pain than to experience it ourselves. when my youngest went thru similar pain a couple years ago with no diagnosis, i would lay awake with her and cry. i would try to hide it, but sometimes she saw ... and with all of her 7 year old body she would take me in her arms and comfort me.
i am so sorry for what he's going through. i am so amazed at how God is using his pain to teach him.
I wish you would have been my dad!!! : )
It's never easy to watch your child in pain when you are helpless to decrease it. We spend so many years protecting them from unnecessary pain and minimizing the pain they do need to go through, to teach them how to live when they are on their own. It's hard to realize there will be pain they bring on themselves by their own decisions and actions. We have no control over that as well. Unfortunately, there will be pain they did not bring on themselves and they have no control over it either. Whether that is brought on by the actions of others, or like in this case, medically, it is frustrating to have no control to ease their pain. It is hard wired in to us as parents to protect our children.
I have found that the desire to see our children go through as little pain as possible doesn't go away when they grow up. I still cry when my children make poor decisions and I know what the result will be. I am praying for Isaac's pain and for a speedy recovery. I am also praying that God will give you the grace to deal with his pain as you express a father's love to your son. This must mirror what God the Father feels about us. It's hard to believe that He loves us and our children more than we could ever love ourselves and our own children.
Earl
the audio is down!
Just came by to say I care, that I'm praying for Isaac, for you, the medical staff, etc., and that his pain will decrease and recovery come soon. I know your love has touched him deeply.
Oh Lord please heal Issac
what a privilege to hear that voice.
hello isaac.
it is good to hear your voice and your thoughts.
Your father has told us about the day he met you, and you cried, "Daddy", and I have ridden the coattails of your journey ever since. You have grown so much, and you are so brave.
If I could hug you, I would.
Courageous one, go on and fight your battle. We are here. Watching.
Cheering. ;)
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