How Am I?

Email to me: "...Please write a short note on your CS blog and tell all of us how YOU are doing, and how Isaac is doing..."

Oh yeah. Me.

It is easy writing about Isaac. Parents focus on their children.

OK, this is a blog about my life... ruminations on faith, love, life, science, just about any idea and experience which rolls through my noggin. So, I'll share about me.

But first, Isaac update (well... that is what is first on my mind).

The surgery last Wednesday went well. The muscle at the base of the esophagus was cut so food would fall into his stomach (the nerves of the esophagus have died by a fluke of the machinations of his body's autoimmune system). There was also an infection would have to be addressed once his ability to swallow returned. Additionally... a tumor in the stomach. The operation removed the tumor as well as the muscle at the stomach.

On Friday the staple at the site of the tumor popped off and the contents (mostly juice) flowed into his abdomen, bringing much pain. That night, after a CT scan identified the problem, he had an urgent second operation. That set him back. I think yesterday he had 8 tubes going into or out of his body.

Saturday they said he would be in three or four more days. They said it with little certainty. I told Brenda (my somewhat intense ex) she can care for Isaac in the hospital, but when he is released to come home, it is my home, my business. (She did not take it well.)

Now... How am I doing?

Emotionally, physically, mentally, and I suppose to some extent, spiritually, exhausted.

I was continually surprised how quickly time passed in the hospital. It seems I spend time doing nothing, waiting for information, waiting on Isaac, waiting for nurses or doctors or tests. Yet time flies by. I think it is though there aren't specific tasks to be done there was always something immediately to be done, just little. Helping him sit up, getting a nurse for more morphine, explaining what I learned about his progress, texting folks who have questions. The little stuff adds up and I am actually much busier than it would seem.

Spending nights in that chair is not truly restful. Every time a nurse comes in I get up and check on what is happening, what his latest condition is. Nights comprise of 20 minute segments of sleep.

I try to eat properly, go get a real meal somewhere, but it is inconvenient. Most of my food is prepackaged sandwiches and large amounts of coffee. I know it isn't healthy and contributes to an overall sense of not being physically at ease.

My spiritual life is a little dry. The concern has all been about Isaac... his body, his attitude, his emotions, his spirit, his care. My prayers have been focused on him and I guess I haven't given much thought about me. Still, worship on Sunday was full, meaningful, but that is outward, or rather, upward.

I have not gone for many predawn walks in the woods of late. I haven't had much time for the inflowing of the spiritual forces into my heart and spirit. I guess I'm feeling a little spiritually dry.

Aside from the focus on Isaac I have been mentally distracted concerning my classes. To be absent from my students this much makes it difficult to ensure they make the proper amount of progress in their own studies. My mind goes to those classes frequently.

My emotional growth regarding my divorce is actually doing very well. Brenda has been helpful and distracting, kind and manipulative, and a complication in dealing with Isaac's care, but in terms of boundaries and putting our post marriage relationship into a proper framework, a healthy thing.

She has tried pushing the boundaries of course, and there were subtle and not so subtle aspects to dealing with how we relate to each other. I am finding it ever easier to be firm. She wanted to come help Isaac in my home after his release. It was easy to be clear that it simply is NOT going to happen. I have given her the opportunity to be involved as much as she likes at the hospital, and I have made it clear it ends there.

I care for her as I care for anyone who is in a bad spot, I simply do not feel I have to act on any of it. If she needs to move out from her boyfriend, or take time from work, or deal with anything, that is all her business. Not at all mine. I'd rather not discuss it.

When she pushes I smile and tell her that if she wants to move the conversation beyond the boundaries I have set, I will walk away.

She flusters and blusters but acquiesces.

So... How am I doing? I'm tired, and frayed along the edges, but doing quite well overall. I am proud of my son, a little miffed at some students, not getting all the rest and nutrition I should, but, am doing fine.

Thanks for asking!

:)