Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Better

I’m feeling a bit better.

Don’t get me wrong, I still haven’t a clue if I will still be married in a year, or even six months. But I feel better.

I was getting very anxious about things. I was depressed, having trouble sleeping even with medication, and have lost 23 pounds in the last few weeks. I became especially anxious when I started thinking about this other guy enough to go to the trouble of figuring out who he is. I also became a little more lost when I accompanied Brenda into small vices (alcohol and tobacco) so we would have those moments to share and talk.

I’m not so troubled about the other guy right now. He is nobody. Well, he is someone, and I do wish him happiness, and salvation, and health, and blah, blah, blah. But I know that Brenda picked him out as a way to fantasize about a life of freedom from the burdens which have troubled her. He isn’t anyone which God chose for her. This does not mean that I do not believe she will go to him. She may. But him or someone like him, it doesn’t matter. He is a symptom of the wounds which have hurt my wife deeply. He is a placebo to medicate the internal hemorrhaging which has been going on in her since she was a child.

I’m not so troubled by the alcohol and the tobacco either. Though I was sharing those things with her for good reasons, they aren’t me. I can take them or leave them. I’m not going to make a habit of such things just to find time to be with her.

None of this is in my hands.

Whether she stays or whether she goes, that will be her choice.

I vowed that I would stay by her. I will.

I vowed I will love her all of my life. I will.

I made that vow not only to her, and family and friends. I vowed to God. I made a covenant to God that I would be what I could be, was made to be, to her and for her.

I haven’t always been successful at that. I have let her down many times.

But what I choose to do today, to do this moment, is what counts.

I choose to follow God and trust He will lead me to the place where I will be the man He created me to be.

I am reminded that there were three persons involved in making those vows. I made a vow. Brenda made a vow. And God was who we made that covenant in and to. What Brenda does is not simply a reflection on who I am as a husband. It is also within His hands to deal with it.

She is His child as well.

Her vow was made to Him as well.

He will not abandon her, even if she seeks to abandon Him.

I trust the Lord to watch over my wife, even if there comes a time when I cannot.

I will intentionally drop my curiosity about this other man. It does not matter who he is.

I will do my best to drop my concerns about what Brenda will do as well (yeah, I know: "Good luck with that.").

Instead, I will continue to love her, to cherish her, to do all the things that I swore I would do.

It has been dark of late. I am fixing my eyes on the Shepherd who holds the light for me in this darkness.

I see that not only is He holding a light for me...

He is holding me...

and her.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Will, your faith and insight amazes me.
God bless you as you take this horrendous journey as only God can do. I pray for you often.

curious servant said...

Thank you. That is kind of you.

Hey, there. You in HB, CA.

I'm wondering who you are.

Would you mind emailing me at:

greenleaf.will@gmail.com

I would appreciate knowing who you are.

Thanks

wilsonian said...

:)
I'd say you're feeling better...

Peace to you, my friend.

Pia said...

still praying here, will.

ame said...

:)

These places are nice, aren't they :)

Grief is a bizarre thing ... it's like a ball bouncing uncontrollably in a raquet ball court.

Be patient with yourself as you flow in and out of all the phases of grief ... of all the highs and lows ... of caring and not caring ... etc. It's normal. It actually means you're dealing with it, though you feel as out of control as that ball on the court.

You're doin great, Will ... you really are. This sucks ... it's hard beyond belief ... and you're allowing God to enable you to work through and get through ... certainly not the easy path.

bjk said...

In my reading this morning is Psalm 130 and then to come here and read this...both are a blessing....a psalm of ascent....thanks CS /Will just thanks

Judas Hate said...

So many people lose sight of the fact that marriage is a union forged and promised not only to each other, but to the Lord as well.
Thanks for shining your light on that, Will. I think people can benefit from that.
And I like what you said about the Light.

Maybe "we" are the light and "we" shine because He holds us!?
I continue to wish, hope and pray for patience, wisdom, strength, love and peace for you.

Love,
Justin

onionboy said...

Father, through the mercies and justice of your Son, grant peace, wisdom, strength and a righteous resolution, we pray. Thank you for bringing some light to our brother during this struggle. You are with him, in him and we thank you for this.

O | onionboy.ca (art & faith) | luminousmiseries.ca {faith & art}

Songbird said...

I'm praying for you, Will.

Anonymous said...

and let yourself & Brenda be held up in prayer by a group of people who love God & love you, aggf

Amrita said...

My dear Will, God is working in your heart. The Holy Spirit is comforting you. Praise God for that.

I would have become mad, i am telling you.I am a very vulnerable person ready to crack up into a thousand peices. God bless you Will.You are included in my cloud of witnesses urging me to fight the good fight.

I am very very depressed because of a complicated situation in church.I am listening to the Holy Spirit whereas everyone else is listening to our Hindu lawyer who does not know God 's ways. Pray for me.