Friday, September 14, 2007

A Light in the Woods

I'm home a little early from work. Brenda isn't here. I have no idea what to expect when she does get home.

Last night was tough.

And bizarre.

We were watching a television game show. The contestant's wife announced she was pregnant. Brenda went ballistic. She started swearing and screaming and and throwing things and soon was packing to leave. She has wanted to bear children so badly.

I told her she should wait to leave until morning, that then she could get what she wanted, do it right. She replied she would probably change her mind if she waited until morning.

"Then it makes no sense to do something rashly now that you know you will feel differently about when you cool down."

"I hate my life!!! I want out!!!"

She slowly, resentfully, unpacked, went to sleep on the couch.

She had told me earlier that if she met me today she would not fall in love with me, we are too different.


At four in the morning she crawled into bed, snuggled close.

I have no clue what is going on.

I finished that experiment with the watercolor pens and am posting it here. I haven't gotten the hang of the materials yet. I am a little unsatisfied with the image on a technical level. But the spiritual aspect of the painting... the straggling sheep, hesistating to walk through the skirting, threatening darkness, the prayers which cover the entire image, that feels right. (If you have an idea about a title for it, let me know.)

I may not know what is going on, where the path leads, but I will trust Jesus. I will follow His light and trust that I will be OK. (Though it certainly does not feel that way.)

Click to enlarge


jel said...

you did a great job on the watercolor pic,

thanks for sharing it with us!


ame said...

She hates herself ... so she hates everything. You are right, from a previous post ... until she allows the love of Jesus to permeate deep into the wells of her pain and sorrow, she will continue to be filled with irrational hate.

I'm sorry ... it is so hard. The roller coaster makes it worse. She had a moment of weakness ... where she let the walls fall.

She's in there, Will. The woman you love is in there. Whether or not she allows God to love her out of her pain ... that choice is hers to make.

Every once in awhile I see the man I love inside my ex ... he's in there ... but he has chosen to keep him burried to avoid the pain of his reality ... avoiding allowing God to heal his deep pain. It is a his choice. It is a very sad choice; but it is his, and he made it.

ame said...

Love the watercolor ... God's beauty is flowing through your pain.

Aphra said...

I agree with ame- it does sound like she is hurting and doesn't know what she wants herself. I can relate to that. I am sorry that her hurt is causing you to hurt.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry this is happening. Will continue to pray. Keep on the high road.

Amrita said...

O Jesus please heal Brenda.

Your painting is beautiful

Chris Krycho said...

Still praying, Will. I have no words to add, but to say "Keep on as you are, pursuing Christ..." My heart still breaks for you; and you are in my prayers.

You could call it "Twenty-three four". (After the Psalmic reference.)

paul said...

Trusting Him in the difficult times cuts to the core of our being. Your faithfulness is proof of the grace of God in your life. Hold on, Brother. Hold on.

onionboy said...

"I may not know what is going on, where the path leads, but I will trust Jesus. I will follow His light and trust that I will be OK."

Posted something similar to this over the weekend myself. Though, I feel that indeed it is not "may not" but "do not" know what is going on...even so, as Merton said I pray that what I am doing is pleasing to Him. Here's Merton: "he fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you."

And, on your other blog, for the painting, I choose the name "Found."

I am blogging again at now as well as

Continuing to think of you.

Vicki said...

Wanted to remind you of my prayers for you and Brenda.

The beauty of your watercolor painting is striking.