Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Wuss

At what point does a man cease being a patient, loving, Christ-follower, and becomes a spineless wuss?

Is it tied to events? If this happens, he does that. If she says such and such he responds by doing this or that?

Is it tied to the heart? He listens to that space where he finds peace and solace from the Holy Spirit and works to build and repair and love and forgive and improve?

Is it a matter of his character? And if so, what character? The parts of himself he recognizes as echoes of the men of his childhood, those who pretended to know what to do when they hadn’t a clue, who yelled when angry, and resolved their conflicts with a volatile mixture of muscle and testosterone? Or the part of his character that felt beauty in all things, the part that responds to sunrises and deep valleys and roaring rivers, the part of himself which walked hundreds of miles of mountain trails and saw the Creator in the universe?

My wife said yesterday that she knew she had to tell this other man that they had to break it off. She said that what makes it so hard is that she loves him.

She said she loves me as well, but not the same way.

“Ouch.”

Or rather... “Shit!”

The obligations she feels for our children, the complex legal mess they are in, tells her she must stay.

The obligations she feels for her mother, a woman with schizophrenia and the lasting effects of a stroke, tells her she must stay.

The obligations she feels for me, who has stuck by her for years, though I have not provided all she yearns for, but is “a good man who I don’t want to hurt,” tells her she must stay.

She feels trapped in a cage.

I don’t want to be one of the bars of her cage. Especially the one that is easiest to walk away from.

If I were a bookie I’d give this marriage four to one odds.

Whoopee. Looks like I might “win.” What I need for her is a spiritual cleansing that will renew her spirit, wash away the filth and hurt that has caused her to obsess and control and... stray.

She should get the counseling that would help her heal, she should get the help that I can offer, but she needs more.

She needs a miracle.

I must find a way to maintain my faith that “all things work for good for those..." who need to find a way out of this thick briar patch that is in the darkest part of this ancient wood.

I need to find a way to toss aside my concerns about who I am, woos or obedient servant, and simply follow what my Lord would have me do.

There is a whisper that comes to my ear several times a day:

“Let her go.”

It is easy to pretend I don’t hear it.

“Let her go. What is the matter with you, you a spineless wuss?”

My heart begins to race, my legs want to move...

“You could find someone new. Someone you could trust.”

I stuff metaphorical fingers into my ears and chant: “Nyah, nyah nyah... I can’t hear you! Nyah, nyah, nyah, the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want, He leads me...”

I guess I don’t care if I’m a woos. I do care that my heart races and that I am jumpy and nervous and having trouble sleeping. But I have been telling Brenda the same thing I have been telling myself:

“Whether you stay, or whether you go, I will do what is right every step of the way. I will deal with this with integrity. I will act with strength but not violence. I will love you and I will do what I know my faith would have me do.”

11 comments:

wilsonian said...

“Whether you stay, or whether you go, I will do what is right every step of the way. I will deal with this with integrity. I will act with strength but not violence. I will love you and I will do what I know my faith would have me do.”

In the end, this is what matters. As much as it appears that you are doing this for your wife, you are really doing it as to Jesus.

I must confess some concern though... even if she stays, it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll win.

Still praying...

curious servant said...

Yeah, I know. That was supposed to be a touch of irony there. The point is that there isn't any winning in this situation.

Only growth.

Well, perhaps that isn't a certainty in that either.

Anonymous said...

sh - staying abreast of your heart throbs. praying. don't beat yourself up for doing what is right, at least from my perspective. yours is to forgive & love & your're trying your best with God's Spirit to do that. that is all required of you right now. love you, ag-gf

Anonymous said...

oh boy - this is tough every which way. Will, have you gotten some counseling for your decision in all of this?
If she stays it sure feels like some ground rules need to be in place....ouch.
Love you Will and respect you in every way.

Pia said...

will, ask God for strength and grace to act upon God's commands. the voice you're hearing sure is not from God. yes, it's painful and it hurts so much but who said life is fair? God can turn things around for you. His will for your marriage is to be whole. i say don't give up. fight a good fight of faith. let God lead your steps. praying for you and brenda.

bjk said...

What I need for her is a spiritual cleansing that will renew her spirit, wash away the filth and hurt that has caused her to obsess and control and... stray.


It's getting dangerous CS....you cannot know what another needs.....you can think you know, but really only HE knows and the sooner we buy that....the sooner we lean into, fall into that reality......I may be speaking out of turn....He deals with us not others through us in something like this...yes?

I am praying for YOU to feel HIS comfort for YOU and that THAT takes you where He is leading....

rant here all you want and maybe that is all this is....and maybe I should be quiet....praying

Judas Hate said...

Wilsonian summed it up by quoting your last paragraph.

That (it would seem to me) is all you can really do.

Beyond that, the old, simple, true saying comes to mind: "Let go and let God."

Dear Lord,
Please bless and watch over Will, Brenda, Isaac and Jeremiah. Through their actions, let your Will be done.
Amen


Love,
Justin

curious servant said...

We went to the counselor again this afternoon. We are both feeling somewhat bruised by it.

There are developments, but I am too worn out to even think about writing a post, though I know it helps me sort things out.

Your continued prayer is a great help and I am asking for you to continue.

Man, what a mess.

MMM said...

Hang in there, Will.

Oh, and I've always been told the correct spelling is "wuss". ;) Which you're not.

I will keep on praying.

curious servant said...

Please pray NOW.

Brenda is facing a difficult task this morning, and it is key to our situation. I willpost about it later...

But PLEASE, pray for strength, wisdom and love for her. Please pray for a supernatural protection about her.

LORD... I beg that you wrap Brenda in a hedge of protection. I pray You send a messenger who can whipsper encouragement and strength and safety about her today. --Amen."

Amrita said...

Praying for both of you. Brenda needs to give God a chance to work in her life. Things will fall in place when she comes under the Lordship of Jesus.