Saturday, September 1, 2007

Not Feeling Very Clever

My feelings are complex.

I've tried writing a post. Twice.

So, rather than try to be clever, try to make sense of what I am feeling and what it all means... I'm going to just sit here and let it all pour out as it may come.

Thursday was Brenda's birthday. Imagine my standing at row of birthday cards for men to give their wives, attempting to select a card that honestly expresses how I feel. Romantic? Not a good choice. Funny? Nope. Recall good times? Sexy? Something about my undying affections? Nope, nah, nyet.

When she came home from work she was obviously upset.

I tried to give her space. I went out to do some weeding in the garden.

When I did come back, she suddenly burst into tears, groaning under the strain of being trapped by the responsibilities she has for taking care of her mother, for helping get our boys out of this legal mess with their U.S. citizenship.

"I CAN'T GO!!!"

She wept into my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

I barely slept Thursday night. About three hours. They have only given me enough meds that I can use them two out of three days and I try to conserve. She took four over the counter pills and slept fitfully.

We went out Friday night for her birthday. Someplace a little out of our price range. We both had lobster.

The tension all day had been high.

But we seemed relaxed during dinner, and walked around a mall, people watching.

I think she is inclined to make our marriage work. But she still feels something for this other man. It is very confusing for both of us.

I want her to stay. I want to see her healed of all her past hurts and for her to grow into the kind of person God intended her to be.

For some reason, today I have been intensely jealous. I can't seem to stop thinking about this other guy.

I even did a little clever research and analyzing of stuff I probably shouldn't have scanned, and I think I know who he is.

Do you suppose this is how God feels? Even a little bit? The Bible does say He is a jealous God.

He loves us, wants the best for us, and we run everywhere else. We cheat on Him. Over and over and over and over...

Anyway... Brenda is out shopping with the boys... you know, school stuff.

And I am pacing about, wanting to gorge myself on chocolate ice cream or whiskey or something. I want to do something. I don't want to be one of the bars on her cage.

If she is going to stay it is all going to be so hard... so messy.

I even went through her things this afternoon. Found nothing. Well, I found an unused pregnancy test.

Yesterday, in a moment of emotional lucidity, I wrote an outline for a book.

Brenda is losing her faith. She feels that God is either uncaring, cruel, or non-existent.

I believe otherwise.

So, in thinking about her perspective, about the difficulties which have plagued her life (abuse, infertility, death of a child, schizophrenic mother who never cared after her as she should have been cared for but now requires so much care herself, two mentally retarded children who have complex legal problems, one child who is fascinated by fire and burned down our church, her shame over her affairs, on and on and on...), I thought of how I would answer her questions in a way that shows the reality of a loving God.

And since from her perspective life is unfair and harsh, I came up with a title that would directly address her glass half empty point of view: Why life Sucks.

I don't know if she is going to leave or if she is going to stay. I don't think she knows either. But she was gentle and kind last night and that is hopeful.

Meanwhile... I need to reign in my emotions, gain my spiritual balance, and be the husband I am supposed to be.

God may be jealous. But He loves us beyond human reasoning. I need to follow that lead.


Anonymous said...

you are amazing in your love & patience. you are lifted up in prayer, all of you. i hope you enjoyed your dinner evening together. she is battling so much, no wonder she is questioning God. who wouldn't? be still. be quiet. pray. love. sketch your prayers. count your blessings. stay away from the ice-cream! ag-gf

Judas Hate said...

Excedrine PM. Any food or drug store has it. Take two and you will sleeeeeep. Just as good as ANY perscription drug out there. It will leave you a bit groggy in the morning, but it's worth it.
In the midst of one of my closest family members dying, combined with me closing my store, they allowed me to sleep.


"We are all sinners in the eyes of the Lord."

If we ask to be forgiven, than we shall.

You and I have been together for a while now, Will.

When first I found you (or when you found me), you were in a tree, staving off knights to defend your family. Although scared, you were ready to die to save them.
Here you are again. Or should I say, Still.

The best way I can say it is this......
Those who wish to stay under your protection shall never be harmed as long as you breathe. Those who willfully walk away from your circle of protection, you cannot help, no matter how much you wish to.

I pray for you that those you love never wander too far that you may not be able to reach them when needed.

Stay focused and strong, Brother.

Just remember, when you falter, I (as so many others) will reach out for you, but He WILL always catch you.


Aphra said...

Sometimes it feels easier to run. I feel that myself. Just our desire to run shouldn't overtake what we need to do in life. You seem to be so grounded in light of everything you have been through. I hope if I went through what you have been through that I would be grounded and not want to run, but I don't know. You are a well planted tree. I pray that you are able to drink from the river of God.

wilsonian said...


MMM said...

my shoulders round in heaviness as i read daily of your struggle.
mine seem small.
i am praying for you.

ukok said...

For some reason, today I have been intensely jealous today. I can't seem to stop thinking about this other guy.

For some reason? You have every reason to feel this way don't you? I'm kind of thinking, 'Thank goodness he's normal!'. I don't mean this as an insult to you, my friend, but how normal would it be to not feel such a way? I'm relieved that you have felt angry, that you have felt jealousy. I worry that you are suppressing your emotions, trying hard to be who Brenda needs you to be, and doing yourself the disservice of self neglect.

I am praying for you!

Vicki said...

Praying...and checking on you.

Someone said you're a well-planted tree. I agree:-)

Just wanted to say that Brenda's doubts and questions about God are not a result of any 'lack' on your part as a husband. Something in her needs to come face to face with her own heart issues. I do admire your desire to express caring to her inspite of how you may feel day to day. Keep letting God be what *you* need right now...and remember, He's not heaping any expectations on you...Praying for both of you.

connierhea said...

Will you said it all:
Meanwhile... I need to reign in my emotions, gain my spiritual balance, and be the husband I am supposed to be.

God may be jealous. But He loves us beyond human reasoning. I need to follow that lead

Take care of YOU in all of this.

Anonymous said...

i see a little improvement. i thank God for that. i'll keep on praying.

Christopher said...

ive been following this hard dark moment in your journey, and just want you too know you are being prayed for, and many folks are hurting for you and brenda.

hebrews 11:1 said...

Praying for you...

Lil Pilgrim Pal

Smitty said...

I don't really have words to say except that I am praying for you and am walking along side of you in your journey. Thanks for sharing your blog with me.

onionboy said...

Thoughts and prayers continue.

O | |

bjk said...

praying .....

Amrita said...

Our God is a jealous God and since we are made in His image we also experience it the positive way, not the mean twisted jealousy.The book of Hosea talks about it and the OT is full of it.We were not created for relations gone awry.We are bound to hurt when it happens.

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.May God comfort and strengthen you and Brenda.