Not Feeling Very Clever

My feelings are complex.

I've tried writing a post. Twice.

So, rather than try to be clever, try to make sense of what I am feeling and what it all means... I'm going to just sit here and let it all pour out as it may come.

Thursday was Brenda's birthday. Imagine my standing at row of birthday cards for men to give their wives, attempting to select a card that honestly expresses how I feel. Romantic? Not a good choice. Funny? Nope. Recall good times? Sexy? Something about my undying affections? Nope, nah, nyet.

When she came home from work she was obviously upset.

I tried to give her space. I went out to do some weeding in the garden.

When I did come back, she suddenly burst into tears, groaning under the strain of being trapped by the responsibilities she has for taking care of her mother, for helping get our boys out of this legal mess with their U.S. citizenship.

"I CAN'T GO!!!"

She wept into my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

I barely slept Thursday night. About three hours. They have only given me enough meds that I can use them two out of three days and I try to conserve. She took four over the counter pills and slept fitfully.

We went out Friday night for her birthday. Someplace a little out of our price range. We both had lobster.

The tension all day had been high.

But we seemed relaxed during dinner, and walked around a mall, people watching.

I think she is inclined to make our marriage work. But she still feels something for this other man. It is very confusing for both of us.

I want her to stay. I want to see her healed of all her past hurts and for her to grow into the kind of person God intended her to be.

For some reason, today I have been intensely jealous. I can't seem to stop thinking about this other guy.

I even did a little clever research and analyzing of stuff I probably shouldn't have scanned, and I think I know who he is.

Do you suppose this is how God feels? Even a little bit? The Bible does say He is a jealous God.

He loves us, wants the best for us, and we run everywhere else. We cheat on Him. Over and over and over and over...

Anyway... Brenda is out shopping with the boys... you know, school stuff.

And I am pacing about, wanting to gorge myself on chocolate ice cream or whiskey or something. I want to do something. I don't want to be one of the bars on her cage.

If she is going to stay it is all going to be so hard... so messy.

I even went through her things this afternoon. Found nothing. Well, I found an unused pregnancy test.

Yesterday, in a moment of emotional lucidity, I wrote an outline for a book.

Brenda is losing her faith. She feels that God is either uncaring, cruel, or non-existent.

I believe otherwise.

So, in thinking about her perspective, about the difficulties which have plagued her life (abuse, infertility, death of a child, schizophrenic mother who never cared after her as she should have been cared for but now requires so much care herself, two mentally retarded children who have complex legal problems, one child who is fascinated by fire and burned down our church, her shame over her affairs, on and on and on...), I thought of how I would answer her questions in a way that shows the reality of a loving God.

And since from her perspective life is unfair and harsh, I came up with a title that would directly address her glass half empty point of view: Why life Sucks.

I don't know if she is going to leave or if she is going to stay. I don't think she knows either. But she was gentle and kind last night and that is hopeful.

Meanwhile... I need to reign in my emotions, gain my spiritual balance, and be the husband I am supposed to be.

God may be jealous. But He loves us beyond human reasoning. I need to follow that lead.