Monday, September 10, 2007

High Road

I don’t understand her.

Bits and pieces are little clearer than others, but in general, I admit, I haven’t a clue.

Something shifted in my heart this weekend. It hurts... but I think it helps a little.

I came to the conclusion that Brenda truly wants out. That she has no intention of working on our marriage. She is biding her time to deal with these legal issues with Jeremiah, and she will be gone.

It makes me more than a little sad.

But it also helps me to see where I am standing in this present darkness.

A marriage takes two people. I am willing to work to help her, to resolve the issues she has, to seek ways to help her become who God wants her to be. But if she is determined to leave, I cannot stop that. She will live the life she chooses.

I told her this morning to go ahead and move out.

I told her that the agreement was that we would hold things together until the difficulties of Jeremiah’s situation is resolved. I told her not to worry about us, we will manage one way or another.

The other option is I leave.

She doesn’t want to deal with the kids or her mother or me. Of all those burdens and obligations I am the easiest to remove. So perhaps it would be easier if I did so.

I think it would be harder on the boys for me to go rather than her because she sees them as burdens and problems and I don’t. But...

I’ve started a new prayer.

There will be an Advent art show at our church: “Life and Light Through Jesus.”

I’ve been doing artish prayers using Sharpies on the prayer room walls at church. Now I am trying something new. I bought some watercolor paper and water color pens. Last night I sketched out a picture of Jesus as a shepherd holding a torch on a darkening mountainous path. He is beckoning to a straggling member of his flock, coaxing it to follow the rocky path.


It is how I feel right now. This rocky path is dark and dangerous and I’m frightened to move ahead. I need to fix my eyes on where He is leading and not worry about the dangers around me.

Today I despair. I believe my marriage will end. Brenda is afraid of taking the plunge into the world outside our marriage, so she hesitates, feels the tug of commitments and obligations to our children as obstacles. But she has already left that path. I cannot force her to join me again as I travel toward where my Lord leads.

I am trying to take the high road here. I suppose that phrase comes from the fact that the path along a valley floor is usually gentler, less work, but the path along a ridge is steeper, more ups and downs, yet has the larger view.

I want to take that high road and walk this path with integrity. I want to make wise choices, do the right thing.

I want to take the high road. I want to do what is right. So here I am, struggling along this rocky slope, seeking high ground.

Ah...

Look, I can see my house from here!

And it’s on fire.

Perhaps I shouldn’t worry too much about how far ahead I can see. I’ll just focus on the shepherd holding the torch.

18 comments:

ame said...

No ... don't look ahead ... only look to the light ... I have a good friend who always reminds me to stay with today until tomorrow becomes today.

Yes, I understand ... I know where you are. Stay on the high road ... when you are at a place ... where you are looking back upon these days ... you will have sorrow, sadness, ... but you will not have regret ...

You are a good man, Will ... a VERY good man ... you cannot see ... you don't need to ... it's too much to see ... but someday ... someday ... you will know and believe ... this truth ... you are a very good man.

jel said...

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!


FRIEND

Anonymous said...

Will - yes you are a good man. I highly respect you in every way.
One word of caution from reading your blog today - do NOT leave the house. If at any time this gets nastier you will be charged with abandonment - even if you have a generous heart and leave for a period of time... If she wants to leave it's her choice and she will live with the consequences. Stay put with your boys in your own home. You don't need to make this easy for her by making it harder for you and the boys to find another place. Get legal advice before you make those type of decisions.
My heart breaks for you. It really does.

Smitty said...

You are taking the high road. When others would typically give up on their faith, you seem to be drawing your strength from God and focusing on where He wants to take you in this situation. Good for you! I agree with anoymous, you should stay in the house. Based on what you wrote it seems that you care more for your kiddos then she does and they need as much stability and love right now that they can get.

I know from experience that it's so easy to get focused on the obstacles in the journey instead of "focusing on the one who holds the lamp." Do your best to keep your focus and do just take it one day at a time and if you can't do that just one step..one moment..at a time.

paul said...

I agree. Stay in the house. Do the best you can to model the love of Christ, regardless of how it is received. Be the man of God he has called you to be. He will stand by your side--though all hell breaks loose around you. Stand firm. Be secure in His love. Take care of your kids.

Ame said...

My 2 cents on the house ... I remember being told the same thing ... that if I left and my kids stayed with him in the house ... it would be considered abandonment ... and would have legal consequences. I don't understand it all or even remember it all. I don't know if the consequences are more severe for the man or the wife ... I don't know if the laws are different in your state than mine ... but you want to be able to always set yourself up to care for the boys to the best of your ability in their best interest. It sucks, but I agree ... seek legal advice before making such a decision.

I am so sorry you are in this place ... so very sorry.

curious servant said...

Thanks all.

Brenda and I went for a walk this evening. She seems pretty committed to moving on. I told her that she needs to make her own decisions, and I have an opinion on what they should be, but that is all it is, an opinion.

I told her that I regretted what I said about offering to move out. That I would not do it.

I told her that I didn't think we were going to make it, but that I still hope and pray for it because I think it is the best thing for both of us... that this other man has not been with her through the hard times, nor stuck with her when she had real problems, and that she will nnever have someone else who loves her as much as i do.

BUT, I am going to accept her decisions as her own and nnot take ownership of what is not mine. If she leaves, that will be her choice.

I said that I was not ready to bury our marriage yet. I said that I would continue to do what I thnk is the right thing every step of the way.

Tell you all something... I appreciate your prayers, your kind words, even simply your visits when you do not say anything at all and leave no more evidence of your passing through that the click on my counter...

But it is amazing how a man can feel so worthless simply by losing the love of a single person who means a lot to him.

I suppose Jesus must have felt very sad when He was separated from his friends, from His Father, when He was nailed on that cross. How terrible it must have been for a being who is by very nature a part of a community, the trinity, to have been so alone.

So here I am, pecking away at this keyboard in a bed that is too large...

I should get some sleep...

G'night folks.

love you all.

Will

wilsonian said...

++praying++

we love you too...
E.

Anonymous said...

CS,

I think you should certainly stay in the house. It is your home and provides a stable base for the boys.

I also think that your wife may change her mind once she has the "freedom" she thinks is out there.

I'm sending you a big hug and I am so sorry for your heartache.

Elizabeth

MMM said...

i'm not gonna be just a click, ever. :) i will always let you know i'm here. hee hee.

now to business...i agree with the ones above me, don't leave your house. don't leave your boys. it is not you who is seeking a way out of this marriage. and no, it doesn't make it pretty from a legal standpoint.

i have no idea where your path will lead, but i am watching from my sand dune, praying that you remember that you are not forsaken.

Judas Hate said...

LOVE

onionboy said...

Continuing to remember you Will.

O |luminousmiseries.ca | onionboy.ca

Ame said...

You articulated it well ...

"But it is amazing how a man can feel so worthless simply by losing the love of a single person who means a lot to him."

Friends are nice ... but nothing replaces a spouse. Some have said, "But isn't it better than being married to an unfaithful, abusive man?" Well ... duh. But it doesn't change that there will always be a huge hole in my heart and soul longing to be married to a loving man who loves me ... and I don't think it will be filled till then. It's just not the same. It's how God made it to be.

Anonymous said...

this click will always be here - praying daily for you and your family.

glassgirl said...

praying for you.

Barbara said...

I guess a lot has been going on in your life since I last checked in with you, I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. Prayed for you, and for Brenda.

Amrita said...

brenda needs to let Jesus put her back together

Vicki said...

Catching up with your posts tonight, as I pray and lift your needs before the Lord. Bless you, my friend. I'm so sorry you are walking through this right now.