High Road

I don’t understand her.

Bits and pieces are little clearer than others, but in general, I admit, I haven’t a clue.

Something shifted in my heart this weekend. It hurts... but I think it helps a little.

I came to the conclusion that Brenda truly wants out. That she has no intention of working on our marriage. She is biding her time to deal with these legal issues with Jeremiah, and she will be gone.

It makes me more than a little sad.

But it also helps me to see where I am standing in this present darkness.

A marriage takes two people. I am willing to work to help her, to resolve the issues she has, to seek ways to help her become who God wants her to be. But if she is determined to leave, I cannot stop that. She will live the life she chooses.

I told her this morning to go ahead and move out.

I told her that the agreement was that we would hold things together until the difficulties of Jeremiah’s situation is resolved. I told her not to worry about us, we will manage one way or another.

The other option is I leave.

She doesn’t want to deal with the kids or her mother or me. Of all those burdens and obligations I am the easiest to remove. So perhaps it would be easier if I did so.

I think it would be harder on the boys for me to go rather than her because she sees them as burdens and problems and I don’t. But...

I’ve started a new prayer.

There will be an Advent art show at our church: “Life and Light Through Jesus.”

I’ve been doing artish prayers using Sharpies on the prayer room walls at church. Now I am trying something new. I bought some watercolor paper and water color pens. Last night I sketched out a picture of Jesus as a shepherd holding a torch on a darkening mountainous path. He is beckoning to a straggling member of his flock, coaxing it to follow the rocky path.


It is how I feel right now. This rocky path is dark and dangerous and I’m frightened to move ahead. I need to fix my eyes on where He is leading and not worry about the dangers around me.

Today I despair. I believe my marriage will end. Brenda is afraid of taking the plunge into the world outside our marriage, so she hesitates, feels the tug of commitments and obligations to our children as obstacles. But she has already left that path. I cannot force her to join me again as I travel toward where my Lord leads.

I am trying to take the high road here. I suppose that phrase comes from the fact that the path along a valley floor is usually gentler, less work, but the path along a ridge is steeper, more ups and downs, yet has the larger view.

I want to take that high road and walk this path with integrity. I want to make wise choices, do the right thing.

I want to take the high road. I want to do what is right. So here I am, struggling along this rocky slope, seeking high ground.

Ah...

Look, I can see my house from here!

And it’s on fire.

Perhaps I shouldn’t worry too much about how far ahead I can see. I’ll just focus on the shepherd holding the torch.