Mercy

Lord Have Mercy.

Thursday Afternoon Brenda pointed out the puddle by the washer again, but it wasn’t a leaking washer on the hose. Both hoses were dry. The water was coming from the machine itself.

Friday morning the repairman pointed out that the motor needed replacing, the there were some worn bushings, and the tub itself had worn a hole in its side. Brenda bought a used machine from him.

While she was waiting for him to arrive the hot water ran out while she was lathered up in the shower. Apparently it has been leaking for some time and it has rusted out. I suppose it wasn’t totally unexpected. We bought that water heater shortly after we moved into this house 17 years ago. So saturday we had a guy come out and replace the water heater.

He didn’t want to replace it. The old water heater was wired to to an old outlet that was over fifty years old, cloth insulation on the wire and a copper ground was clamped to a water line. Not up to code.

But I found an electrician willing to come out on a Saturday, and when I let the two servicemen speak to each other the water heater guy felt comfortable enough that we were going to get it wired properly, so he went ahead and installed the unit and saved us another service call.

The electrician showed up rather quickly. But the new wiring was larger than the old and couldn’t fit through the conduit. Good thing we were able to clear out the attic so he could run a line through there. So by Saturday night we were able to wash clothes and take a shower again.

It’s Sunday evening, and when I went to get Brenda and I a popsicle I found that everything in the freezer had thawed. The refrigerator has broken down. I messed with it a bit and now it appears to be running. We shall see if it it gets cold again.

Brenda thinks God is toying with us.

She tells me that she wants to run away, to be free and make the next twenty seven years different than the last twenty seven.

I don’t know what to tell her.

I think that I am a good man. She says I am. But I have my doubt. Natural I suppose. how can I be a good man if I can not have the love of my wife? how can I be a good man when nothing seems right and I wonder if in trying to save my marriage I am being selfish once again? How can I be a good man and feel so awful?

I still believe in God. I still believe that He is good and that he loves me and wants to help.

But Brenda has lost her faith.

I think I may lose her as well.

I told her that I believe in God, that the man I am today wants to follow that faith, to pray regularly, to go to church, to worship.

“What if I don’t want to go to church anymore?

“That is your choice.”

“Can you be happy with a wife who doesn’t believe in God?”

“I think you are having a crisis of faith. But no, you don’t have to believe the things I do. You are free to do what you want. Believe in God or don’t. Stay or go. I believe there is a place in your heart where you still love me. If you don’t want to let it grow, I can’t make you. As for your faith, Paul wrote about marriages between believers and nonbelievers. I can do what I need to do.”

Can a man be a good man who has not helped his wife enough that she could maintain her belief in a good God who loves, who cares, who tries to intervene on behalf of the selfish creatures he created?

Something in my heart tells me that there is a God, that He is good, that He loves me. Something tells me that a series of costly repairs is not a part of an evil joke played on our lives.

I simply haven’t the words to help her see the things I see.

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.