Sunday, September 30, 2007

Mercy

Lord Have Mercy.

Thursday Afternoon Brenda pointed out the puddle by the washer again, but it wasn’t a leaking washer on the hose. Both hoses were dry. The water was coming from the machine itself.

Friday morning the repairman pointed out that the motor needed replacing, the there were some worn bushings, and the tub itself had worn a hole in its side. Brenda bought a used machine from him.

While she was waiting for him to arrive the hot water ran out while she was lathered up in the shower. Apparently it has been leaking for some time and it has rusted out. I suppose it wasn’t totally unexpected. We bought that water heater shortly after we moved into this house 17 years ago. So saturday we had a guy come out and replace the water heater.

He didn’t want to replace it. The old water heater was wired to to an old outlet that was over fifty years old, cloth insulation on the wire and a copper ground was clamped to a water line. Not up to code.

But I found an electrician willing to come out on a Saturday, and when I let the two servicemen speak to each other the water heater guy felt comfortable enough that we were going to get it wired properly, so he went ahead and installed the unit and saved us another service call.

The electrician showed up rather quickly. But the new wiring was larger than the old and couldn’t fit through the conduit. Good thing we were able to clear out the attic so he could run a line through there. So by Saturday night we were able to wash clothes and take a shower again.

It’s Sunday evening, and when I went to get Brenda and I a popsicle I found that everything in the freezer had thawed. The refrigerator has broken down. I messed with it a bit and now it appears to be running. We shall see if it it gets cold again.

Brenda thinks God is toying with us.

She tells me that she wants to run away, to be free and make the next twenty seven years different than the last twenty seven.

I don’t know what to tell her.

I think that I am a good man. She says I am. But I have my doubt. Natural I suppose. how can I be a good man if I can not have the love of my wife? how can I be a good man when nothing seems right and I wonder if in trying to save my marriage I am being selfish once again? How can I be a good man and feel so awful?

I still believe in God. I still believe that He is good and that he loves me and wants to help.

But Brenda has lost her faith.

I think I may lose her as well.

I told her that I believe in God, that the man I am today wants to follow that faith, to pray regularly, to go to church, to worship.

“What if I don’t want to go to church anymore?

“That is your choice.”

“Can you be happy with a wife who doesn’t believe in God?”

“I think you are having a crisis of faith. But no, you don’t have to believe the things I do. You are free to do what you want. Believe in God or don’t. Stay or go. I believe there is a place in your heart where you still love me. If you don’t want to let it grow, I can’t make you. As for your faith, Paul wrote about marriages between believers and nonbelievers. I can do what I need to do.”

Can a man be a good man who has not helped his wife enough that she could maintain her belief in a good God who loves, who cares, who tries to intervene on behalf of the selfish creatures he created?

Something in my heart tells me that there is a God, that He is good, that He loves me. Something tells me that a series of costly repairs is not a part of an evil joke played on our lives.

I simply haven’t the words to help her see the things I see.

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.

8 comments:

ame said...

Will ... so, are you asking if the freedom another exercises to make their own choices, which was bestowed upon them by God, Himself, determines whether or not you are a good man?

Tis not so, Will; tis not so.

This is a season in your life where everything you believe will have to be done by conscious choice ... it will seem as though there is no foundation to fall on ... that you are thrown into an endless abyss ... that nothing is true or concrete anymore.

I remember praying to God ... telling Him ... that He tells us to come to Him, and I'm here, coming to Him ... not going anywhere else ... and I needed Him to be very present and very real to me. Yet ... I was still in this abyss.

So I would walk through my days and speak out loud, "Lord, I trust You. I trust You, God. I trust You. I cannot see or hear or feel ... I know nothing ... I am blind and deaf ... but I trust You." And, that was all I could pray for days. But that thin, strand of faith was all He desired ... it was all I had ... and it was enough.

You're going through hell ... and the only way out is to keep moving through. There is an out; there really is. It's just so dark and murky and disgusting where you are, that you cannot even imagine, much less see, that there is another side.

Praying for you . . .

bjk said...

Maybe not a good man but a Godly man and to my mind there is a big difference.....I hate labels and that may be my reaction to calling yourself a good man.....You though are a very Godly man and He is taking you places only a man of God would be willing to go.

Judas Hate said...

Ame said it better than I can.

Judas Hate said...

Thanks Brother:-)

Susan said...

CS,
Just catching up here after a lengthy absence. Afraid I have not been visiting and commenting much in September.
These word from a previous post touched me deeply...

'I gave her a hug, pressed my nose into her hair. She looked up at me.

"I'm sorry."

The words were heartfelt. The first real apology she has given me for the current mess."

I understand she still loves you and she is sorry. I wish she could get help for her depression. So much of our happiness is a concious decision... A choice. It is so sad that some people just dont seem to see it .

Prayers for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

will,
let us carry you in prayer. this is where we have been and will be, in prayer for you. Continue in your faith no matter what......
reach out to us...we're all here. God is here!

Coco said...

Hello,
I'm back.
I've been trying to catch up with what has been going on with you and your family...
Hopefully, "life" is better...and that the "evil" stuff has left your home.

On my end...
My mom passed away on 9/20, and I have now returned to work.

Blessings.

Lord have mercy on us. Christ have mercy on us. Deliver us from all evil!

Amrita said...

Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards.
Everyone has trouble, broken down gadgets and lives, no one is immune...the good, bad and the ugly.
God tests our faith through all this.Remember what James said.I felt like you for years, trouble comes to me because i was not good.I had to learn my lesson.

Brenda has to work on her relationship with God and she is responsible for it.Needs a lot of prayer.

There have been times in my house when everything seems to break down at the same time and I 've felt under attack from satan.