For the sake of expediency... here are bits of emails I've sent about what is going on:
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OK... I'll fess up...
Tuesday Brenda came over... begged me to take her back. Said she'd sleep on the couch, whatever.
I told her no. That if she is to get back together with me it cannot be from John to me. She needs to be on her own, figure things out, give us space to grow.
Ticked her off.
Wednesday she came over to take the boys shopping for school clothes. I was OK with that.
When I came home the laundry had been done, dishes washed, house cleaned, dinner fixed. We talked about closing the checking account... working out details of our separation. She left...
Here's the part where you're going to get mad at me...
I went to the library to mail some stuff. Drove past Mary's. Brenda's car wasn't there.
Went home. Fed the boys. Played games with them. Put them to bed.
Got in the van. Drove to Molalla.
Her car was in front of his house.
I tore a page from my notebook. Wrote: "See ya around. -Will" Put it under her windshield wiper. Just wanted her to know that I knew.
Got in the van. Made a U turn. Stopped in front of the house.
The temptation came over me. It wasn't enough that she know in the morning. I wanted her to know now.
Got out. Pounded on the door.
John opened the door.
"Tell Brenda I said 'Hi,' " I said.
She came to the door.
"What?" she said.
"Nothing," I replied as I walked to the van.
Got in. Drove off.
Pulled over a mile down the road.
Got out my cell phone, sent her a text message: "File the papers"
Drove around. Got home late. Stayed up praying and brooding until after 2:00. Woke up at 5:00.
I'm done.
I'm changing the locks.
She can come get her stuff, but John is not going to enter the house. She will have to find friends or relatives to help her. If she needs John to help, I'll drag her stuff onto the lawn, lock the house, take the boys somewhere.
I know how adamantly you did not want me to go over there. But, it was the proof I needed that she really, truly, cannot make up her mind. I was civil, Hardly said a word... Just "Tell Brenda I said Hi," and "nothing" to her. But she knows I know, that I am fed up.
I'm done.
I'm going to change the locks.
I'm going to insist she move her stuff out... but John can't come into the house.
She can find friends, relatives, whatever.
If that isn't good enough, then I'll put her stuff on the lawn and lock the house and she and John can come get it while the boys and I go panning or something.
I've had it.
I've had it.
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OK, so those are the compiled emails...
What I need:
I need prayer.
I'm exhausted. I'm anxious and worried. I have kids who need me, need special help. I have been getting 5 - 7 hours sleep each night for months. Last night was about three hours. I need serenity, calm, peace. I need prayer.
I need to pull it together. I've got to finish getting my classroom together, slap primer on the parts of the house I have scraped, and a zillion little households tasks that I'm not sure what they are.
I need to be able to concentrate on my programs, my curriculum, my lesson plans, and I need to do it now.
If you have a moment... say a little prayer.
P.S. One weird little twist. Saturday is Brenda and Willy's birthday.
20 comments:
Lord,
Hear our prayers for Will and his current needs which are great. Grant him calmness admist the anxiety.
oops amidst
Jesus, be with Will.
I'll be praying for you tonight...
Isaac stood by, watching me change the locks.
"Are you changing all of the locks?"
"What is it you really want to say, Isaac? Tell me what is on your mind."
"I don't know."
"I do. It's about Mom. You aren't sure how to put it into words. Just say it. Tell me how you feel."
"I don't know. It's like part of me... I don't know."
"Part of you what? Are you trying to say that part of you is mad at Mom?"
"I guess so. Part of me wishes she won't come back."
That surprised me.
"Hmmm... And part of you loves her and wants to have everything back the way it used to be. Tell me why part of you doesn't want her back."
"So we stop getting hurt all the time."
Damn it. This is enough. I don't even want to talk to her on the phone right now.
Listen to Isaac and remember that when you start obsessing. Some of the "things" needing to be done can wait. We're concerned about you.
You will make it. I/we know you will.
We'll all pray and listen your way through this.
If you go to John's again we'll all kick your
A(*&^( (ie: ASS)
Hi Will,
I have had a chance to read a few of your post and I am just heart broken for you and the boys.
As a child of divorced parents and I have been divorced myself, it has to be all about the boys.
Will, it is a scary and uncertain time. Your situcation is difficult to navigate and I am so sorry you are in this.
I will pray asking the Lord to show you what boundries must be set for you and your relationship. Will, I know this sounds hollow today, but I have seen God heal people from this kind of devistation. God will use for good what appears to be so evil right now.
Lord, place your hand upon Will and his boys today. I ask your hand upon Will's wife. Today, Lord give Will wisdom to know how to proceed to protect the kids and live Jesus out even in the midst of this terrible place. I ask for comfort and healing for this family. In Jesus name, Amen.
Thank you. All of you.
Frankly... I think I started to wig out a little, I was so stressed over what I need to do to be ready for students, and ten all this other stuff.
Please keep praying for me. It helps.
Isaac wants to take his driving license test he said on the way back from dropping Jeremiah off at that retreat place. He asked me to narrate everything I was thinking while I was driving.
So I described everything that was going on with the signs, pavement markings, cars manueverings of cars behind me and in front of me, noting bicyclists, and signals, and every little detail.
When we got home he said thanks for letting him see what was involved in driving, but the reason he asked me to do that was to get my mind off Mom.
Sweet kid.
You know I would have done the same thing Will.How much can you take.
You have given her enough lead.
Will be praying for you. Please take care of yourself.
then we got home he said thanks for letting him see what was involved in driving, but the reason he asked me to do that was to get my mind off Mom.
Oh dear now that made me get that lump in the throat..... listen to that sweet boy
nothing is happenstance. you already know that. it takes what it takes, and it took one final spin around the block to see the car, it took the note, it took banging on the door at that moment in time for it to be driven to the heart of what it is: over.
okay, the boys are clearly wonderful (they both need hugs from auntie pen) and will heal with time.
God bless you in your journey, dear one. with the insomnia part of my existence, i can attest it is always darkest before the dawn.
(i had to use a metaphor. had to.)
love you.
p
EIGHT AND ONE HALF HOURS SLEEP LAST NIGHT! THE MOST I'VE SLEPT IN MONTHS AND MONTHS!
praying
Will, thank goodness....when you said you had something to fess i thought you were going to say you invited her to continue to treat you and the boys like this indefinately.
You are in my prayers. I am so sorry you are hurting. There's a lot of crap hitting the fan in both our lives at the moment, i'm sure that both of us will 'get there' in the end, in our own ways, regarding our own difficulties. But it just seems so very hard. i know.
God Bless you
never thought I'd be emotional over hearing someone got 8 l/2 hours of sleep. whoppeeeeee
probably the final resolve -
sleep - an unexpected joy spot for you
I made some "To Do" lists.
It makes it feel more manageable, though I keep thinking of things to add. The sleep helped.
But, crossed off a few today. A friend came over and helped me clean my classroom.
Took break with Isaac. Panned for gold. No luck. I think we need to get closer to the hills.
Well... back to the chores!
praying
Dear CS,
I am praying for you, Brenda and the boys.
Please, take one step at the time. God is there, by your right hand side...always.
From Felisol
Dear Lord, Please lift my brother Will up in his time of great need. Please support him and carry him as he carries your word each and every day. Please bless and watch over him and his family as they fight to bring themselves closer to you and each other. Please help Isaac and Jeremiah to understand and be strong and find comfort in each other, their father and their mother. Please help Brenda to find peace with her choices and decisions. Please help John to see. Please guide them all to an understanding of each other’s pain, struggles, wants, desires, hopes and dreams. Please guide them, keep them safe and embrace them with your warmth and your light and help them to see that when they can't see you and think you have forsaken them, it is because you are lifting them up above you as you always have.
Dear Lord, I humbly ask this favor of you for my brothers and sister. In your name, I pray.
I thank you Father.
Amen
I ditto judas hate's prayer...I couldn't have said it better....Keep going and congradulations on your sleep...Are you taking vitamins? You need to keep your strength up so that you don't get sick.
Please listen to your boys, they seem so wise right now. They love you and Brenda but they realize that things would be better all around if Brenda doesn't live there any more. I'm glad you changed the locks, it is one more move to resolve this....Stay Strong.
Hurrah, good for you! I am very proud of you and your resolve. Change the locks, put her stuff at the curb, and do the paperwork to get your divorce.
Remember, it takes energy to think about her, to deal with her pleas and demands, to be hurt every time she backslides. It takes NO energy to ignore her, to shun her, to excise her from your life. You have better places to which to devote your energy.
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