Lord Have Mercy

I seriously provide that caution. This is a little ugly.


Life is messy.

I have been trying to do the right thing, listen to the Shepherd’s voice, follow His lead.

This means being patient and loving and standing firm to what I know is right, even when, especially when, I want to behave differently.

Sometimes that isn’t as clear as I would have thought.

We had a bad night Thursday. Brenda even packed to leave.

But it passed.

Friday night was also a little rough. But it has been worse. She seemed moody, I gave her space.

Saturday we went on a couple of walks, and though the conversations were overall kind and understanding, there were deep currents hinting at the deep problems facing our relationship. In the afternoon Brenda came to me with two beers in her hands, offering me one.

I don't really drink. Over the past month or so I have tried to do some drinking, but I just don’t feel like getting drunk. I bought a bottle of merlot. I only drank half of it. A couple of weeks later I bought a six pack of beer. Only drank two. A couple weeks after that I bought a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. I did get a little tipsy after four of those, but I stopped when I started to feel it. The other day I bought a small bottle of whiskey. Had a couple of drinks, put it away. This evening I have had two more. I don't want another. Getting drunk isn’t my thing.

I was surprised to see she had two bottles since it would have been five years this January 1st since she had any alcohol. She has been going to AA all that time. She told me that Friday night she had drank two bottles of beer and took five of her mom’s codeine.

So we had the beers.

I was unsure if I was doing the right thing drinking with her, but she had already taken that step the day before. It was her choice, not mine. I went out with her into the backyard and had the beer. Before too long she had done in the rest of the six pack and wanted to get more. I complied.

She wanted to get drunk. I was enabling her. Telling her she shouldn't drink wasn’t a fight I wanted to pick.

She bought a pack of cigarettes. I went ahead and bought a small pack of cigars. I haven’t smoked in five years. I felt a little like I was joining her in a series of small vices.

We walked around the cemetery where our child is buried. We sat by his grave and talked.

There are a lot of things which tie her to this life with me. Some of it is red tape surrounding the whole mess in trying to get our children legalized. There were things overlooked in the adoption of our two mentally handicapped children from Haiti. It has resulted in Brenda being named their sponsor, them having to stay with us, and her not being able to earn too much or else they would not be able to get benefits from the government for their handicaps without risking a lawsuit from the government.

Did you catch that? She cannot earn too much, so she must work only part time, or jeapordize our children’s future. That makes it a moral choice if she moves out and gets a job that will support her.

In that talk beside Willy’s grave she made clear implicit statements that she would have to stay, not run away, though she desperately yearns to do so.

She told me that she wants to make love with abandon, no inhibitions. I told her I wanted that too.

We kissed, almost like we were truly in love. It was a little forced.

I told her the kiss almost made me feel that I was worth something after all. I shared that though I know I have been blessed with many things, without the love of the person I am in love with nothing seems to have value.

That night we tried to pretend that everything was as it should be.

I tucked the boys into bed, prayed over them. Crawled into bed beside my wife.

It became clear she felt that being amorous with me was to her felt almost a betrayal of her love for another.

I can’t express how that made me feel.

As we were becoming more amorous in bed, she suddenly tried to speed things up, get it over with. I told her I wanted to slow down. She burst into tears.

She did not want a long love making session.

She told me that if I wanted sex she could do that, but she did not want more.

“I do want sex,” I said, “but I really want more than that.”

“It’s all I can do for now.”

We had perfunctory sex. I got the relief I wanted but not the passion and love I need. she got nothing.

I apologized for trying to push her into something her heart was not ready to give.

“It’s OK. I I know you are only hoping. But I just want to become numb and maybe someday I can pretend I am happy with this life. We can have sex now and then, but most of the time you might be better off just using your hand.”

Shit.

She feels she is being unfaithful to someone else!

A part of me thinks that it would be easier to kick her out, let her go to the love she wants.

This is such a mess.

And here I am, drinking with her, even smoking cigarettes with her, trying to find a place where we can talk and find each other.

What is a little vice in the face of finding common ground so I can be with my wife? Why do I feel like I am not being true to who I am supposed to be when I am just trying to find a spacce in our lives that we can share?

For a little while this morning during worship I was able to find that sweet presence with my Lord. But overall I feel I am mired in a mess that just keeps getting thicker.

She is getting to a place where she is willing to set aside her feelings for another man so she can do the right thing for our kids, and maybe even for me. I am for the first time in all this mess feeling that we might be able to work it out after all.

She suggested Saturday that Isaac and I get a membership at the local gym. It would be good for him, and for me, and for us to bond a little. (The pshycologist’s evaluation came in last week and that poor boy has some serious problems. Another mess.) I told her I’m reluctant to add to our bills, especially if we lose her part of our income to the household. She said she would be willing to pay for it, even if she moved out.

I think somewhere deep inside her is still a spark of love for me.

Shit.

Heavenly Father. Lord Jesus. Please help me. Help me to do what is right. Help me to make good choices. Permit me to feel You near. GUIDE ME LORD! I am Yours. All I want is to do what is right. And though I feel hope, I still feel very confused. I am Your servant. Please do not leave me in darkness but guide me so I may guide my family. I love You Lord. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. --Amen.