Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Hope

It was a rough counseling session.

I see that my marriage is hanging by the slimmest of threads.

I said something about the situation of knowing my wife was in love with another was intolerable. That I cannot continue this way. Then, in the midst of the chest thumping, I said something about the counseling sessions being a place where we are forced into corners, having to take a stand (both myself and her).

The counselor pointed out, accurately, that I change my position in the midst of such statements. That I stand up, make a clear statement about what I can handle, and then turn around and blame the session for forcing us into taking a stand.

It was an insight that showed me how I manipulate the conversations my wife and I have.

I started from a logical perspective, stating where I am. Then I moved to an emotional argument, seeking to create a space where she can give our marriage a chance.

Once again the Wednesday session has left us, especially me, very bruised.

We went into the backyard this evening, alcohol and tobacco again, and talked, trying to understand each other. The understanding is leading me again to the realization that it may be too late for us to save our marriage.

But it isn’t over yet.

I said that I will take the next week to think and to pray.

While we were talking I told her again how I love her, how I think we can rebuild our marriage. I told her why I thought it could work, but admitted that it may not happen.

She said that if I didn’t love her it would be easier.

“Love can be a burden,” she said.

“The boys love me, and that is a burden. My mother loves me and that is a burden. You love me and that is a burden. And John loves me, and that is a burden too.”

Shit.

We had a lot of things hit us last week. The clothes washer broke. Before the repairman could come the water heater broke. When the plumber came with a new water heater he pointed out that the electrical was not to code and he couldn’t install the new heater. The electrician showed up and found that the conduit would not work with the newer wires.

By the next evening the refrigerator quit. I got it going again, but at the highest cooling setting it only gets the temperature in there down to 45 degrees. It won’t last much longer.

Though all of these devices are old and were running out their usefulness, it seems improbable that they would all go out within a 48 hour period.

Brenda said something interesting about all that.

“Even though these things have really hurt our finances and made things hard, I think that it might have happened to force us to work together on something. Or maybe it was just a coincidence, I dunno.”

That was a change in her from the idea that God was toying with us.

...through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope... Romans 5:2-4

There is the element of hope here.

I will trust in the Lord.

I will pray fervently this week, seeking wisdom.

I have hope in the Lord.

Whether or not my marriage survives...

5 comments:

Ame said...

Wow ... I have no words tonight ... but I wanted you to know I'm here.

Hummm ... a burden to be loved ... I hadn't thought of it that way before. It is a burden to love ... as you well know ... but to be loved? How very sad for her.

Susan said...

Yes love is a burden. Usually one we are willing to bear. Sadly for some that weight becomes more that they can deal with. I pray that you and Brenda will learn to share this burden between you.

bjk said...

To consider love a burden....shows just how far down and lost she is right now.....how much about her she is and doesn't even realize it...I will pray for coming revelation to take her deeper and deeper into His grace......

Pia said...

will, as i read your posts, i'm having the impression how brenda hates the world. keep on praying for her. remember, what God has joined together, let no man separate.

praying for both of you...

Amrita said...

you are trying really hard but it seems Brenda is just being careless and brash. never heard anybody say love is a burden.How aboiut the other guy 's love for her. Now that 's a real BURDEN in the real sense, too heavy for YOU to bear I think.I don 't know about others about I 'm quite peeved at this