Thursday, October 4, 2007

Next Wednesday

I told Brenda and the counselor that I wanted a week to think and pray.

I know I really don’t need that much time to know what to do.

I have been praying fervently. Praying that the Lord brings someone alongside my wife to help her see that He is good, that all things can work for good for those who love Him.

She has trouble appreciating love.

She sees it as a burden (previous post). She feels that those who love her place too many demands on her.

She has a point. The challenges she faces with her mother, our children, and me, develop out of the relationships we have, the love we have.

It is true of God as well.

If we love Him, then we should seek to be obedient to Him. That can mean giving more than we would in time, energy, money.

Setting aside her concerns regarding love, what burdens does love place on me? How much space do I need to provide her?

How long can I wait while she balances our marriage on the fence which separates our marriage and her desire to run off with this other man?

I said that I would think and pray, and I think I know what I need to say, need to do.

Marriage is a partnership. I only get one vote and it must be a unanimous decision by both parties.

If we are to be married, there cannot be someone else in her heart.

I must tell her to choose.

I don’t think I will like the answer.

I want her to choose carefully, so I will suggest she take a week to decide.

This is a hard place to be.

There is more to this marriage than she and I.

There are the children of course. She has suggested she take Jeremiah with her. She is on the paperwork as his sponsor for the immigration legal issues surrounding him. But I won’t let her take him. He needs a father. I love him more deeply than she; I do not see him as the burden she does. I will not let this other man be his father. She can’t have him.

The other party to this marriage is God. This marriage was consecrated to Him. She and I are his children, and I am giving all that I am, all that I do to Him. This marriage is His and if He will heal her heart we can work it out. If He needs to leave open her heart to give her the free will he has given us all, then it will be her choice.

As His servant I will obey Him. I give Him my home, all my assets, my family, my marriage. If being the best servant to Him I can be is not enough to sustain this marriage, so be it.

I will stand up straight, keep my eyes on what I know is right and good and fair and just and loving. It has taken me too long to realise the courage I need to face this squarely.

That means that I must cast the shadow of this other man’s love out of our home, out of our bedroom. I will not be a cuckold.

If she chases after that shadow, I will mourn the loss of what might have been, but I will not whimper for her love, manipulate her emotions to guilt her into staying, or shame her into keeping her vows.

Pray for me, please. Pray for serenity and grace and wisdom and strength as I stand on my vows and my faith and look to the heavens, the only place real help comes from and seek to rise up on the wings of eagles out of the awful mess we are in.

Lord, bless my home I pray. Bless my wife that she may have someone brought beside her to help her see that You are good, that Your love is true. Bless her with strength and wisdom. I pray for her love, that she sees that our love can be good and true and fulfilling. I pray for my children, as they go through the currents and waves which will rock them. Lord, please give me a heart of love and kindness and caring as I approach her with an ultimatum that she might see it as an open door into a good life and not into a cell of confinement. Bless me Lord to stay strong enough to be your faithful servant. --Amen.

My church family just delivered a new refrigerator for us.
(Thank you, thank you, thank you!)
My wedding ring bit into my finger (fragile skin) while I was moving it into place.
I thought the symbolism... interesting.


wilsonian said...

Oh Will.
I am praying in agreement, certainly...

So much I'd like to say, but will hold it to pour out to God instead.

Chris Krycho said...

Praying with you, so fervently... I ache for you, but I know that God is enough. Thank you for your steadfastness and your faithfulness.

I do not know how or where, but God has peace for your heart; I pray He minister it to you.

Songbird said...

There are no words to express such agony. However, I'll pray for you ferverly for comfort and strength

ame said...

Holy God, Sovereign Lord, Savior, how we need You right now ... how Will and Brenda NEED YOU ... RIGHT NOW! Abba, Father! Wrap Your arms around Will and fill him with Your wisdom and Your discernment and Your discretion and Your knowledge and Your peace and Your direction. Only You, Lord ... only You know. Raise Will up with Your strength powerfully surging through his veins and heart. Enable him to stand strong and steadfast on Your solid ground. Fill him with Your confidence which he has in Christ ... that You will NOT leave him ... that You will follow through with what You have begun till the very end. You are Good. You love Will with an everlasting love. You love Brenda the same. Open her eyes to see and her ears to hear ... how very, very much You love her. Thank you, God, for the gift of Will in all of our lives. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Anonymous said...

still praying for you and brenda. hang in there, friend. hold on to God tight.

Amrita said...

Dear Will, you are on the right track, keep going. It seems brenda has never known love. For her love is a means to acheive something whatever that is.I am sad for her.Maybe love is just manipulating someone.We really need to pray for her and pull down the blindness the devil has cast over her eyes.She cannot see clearly.This twisted view of love is born in hell.Its a selfish attitude. What if one day she is helpless and alone and needs someone to help her carry her burdens?

Amrita said...

So glad your church family gave you a fridge. The Lord is good!

curious servant said...

Now that I have decided to force her in or out of this marriage I can't hardly stand to wait until Wednesday...

But, I think having a 3rd party there, the counselor, might be useful to keep us talking rationally.

I also know that she has also been taking this time to evaluate things from her perspective. These next few days I know she is anticipating what I will say and so she should be prepared for a decision by then.

I know she will try to find some sort of compromise that will make her feel she is not abandoning her family. But I will not allow her to take Jeremiah. She does not love him as a mother should and that is enough reason for me to insist he stay with me.

It will be our 26th anniversay in a few weeks.

Oh, I would like to repair this relationship...

But if she does not want to do that...

I sound like a wimp, don't I? My father would have called his wife names in such a situation and it would all be done with.

I believe that it is better for her as well as for me that she stay.

It is her life. She will need to choose her own path.

Just a few more days...

ame said...

First ... YOU ARE NOT A WIMP!!! Did you get that ... perhaps I should repeat it ... YOU ARE NOT A WIMP!!!!!!!

It's a wimp who needs to revert to foul language to try to get his point across. It takes a man to exercise self-control in the face of such tremendous difficulty.

I understand the waiting after such a decision ... these days seem to never end. May God fill you with His infinite wisdom and discernment and discretion and knowledge.

Not only does Jeremiah need you, but he also needs his brother. If Brenda moves out, he will loose him mother. If she takes him with her, he will loose his daddy, his brother, and his home. NOT good at all ... especially for one who needs routine.

You are an incredible man, Will ... you really are. You relinquish control of your desires to those of Almighty God ... you have chosen the hard road, not the easy road. Yet, you have also chosen the right road. May God fill you with His righteousness.

Psalm 37:25 "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."

onionboy said...

A wimp is the last thing you sound like. Everyone has already said whatever I might think to say, including I will pray...and I shall.

O | (art & faith) | {faith & art}

Amrita said...

Wimps are exactly opposite of how you 've behaved.You are strong and virtually going thru all this trauma alone. I should say adopting two mentally chgallenged boys is a feat in itself.

The love of God needs to be shed abroad in Brenda 's heart.I 'll pray for that.

ukok said...

I know your words are only on a screen and that we will likely as not, never meet, but I have to say that I feel you are an honourable man, trying his level best to give all that he has, in the very direst of circumstances. I don't believe for one moment, that you are a 'wimp'.

Having said that, I do believe that I spoke to the computer screen (and therefore to you) last time I was here - and I did say, 'she has to make a choice sooner or later - maybe you'll have to give her an ultimatum?'

It wasn't my place to say anything, and less still to write that, so I kept silent.

I know you've given her time and that if you could bear it, you'd give more...but now perhaps you see that this may never be resolved if Brenda has to make the choice.... and that for her at least, there will (possibly) always be 3 people in your marriage, when the Sacrament is made for two.

I'll be praying, be assured of that. God strengthen you and give you peace.

Judas Hate said...

Hello my Friend, my Brother.

Once again, Ame nailed it.

But I feel like I need to add, so indulge me;-)

Having read every single word you have written on this and your other blog for the last two years, I immediately recognized this one as different.
Different in that I could actually see you typing feverishly. I could hear the keystrokes pounding out. I could feel your tension, desperation.
You were barely even breathing when you wrote this. You were sweating and shaking. And you were talking to yourself. Tell me I'm wrong.

I wish so desperately that I could fly out and just be there for you. Just sit with you and listen. Or just sit in silence together. I have that deep ache for you that I get when Julie or the kids are sad or sick and I can't do anything to fix it, no matter how hard I try.
It reminds me of the movie, "The Neverending Story" when the rock mountain is explaining how he thought since he was so big and solid, with such powerful hands, that he could hold onto anything. But the "Nothing" came and took everything from him. He just couldn't hold on.
The "Nothing" is when we stop believing. It is the monster we create when we lose our faith.
The twist is that the rock mountain hadn't lost his faith. Yet he still couldn't save them. The problem is if the people we are trying to save lose their faith, we can't save them, no matter how strong our faith is.

I continue to worry, wish, hope and pray.

I love you, Will.

I can't be there with you, but I am here for you.


~m2~ said...

justin, you never should have stopped blogging.

will, i am emailing you because my comment turned into a story and it is a bit private.

peace, dear one.