Rebuild

I arrived at church, early as usual, and moved uncertainly in the new building. It is my habit to pray with our pastors before each service, but everything was different.

We have moved into the rebuilt church.

I think many of us tried to make things feel as normal as possible. Most people sat in chairs that approximated the seats they usually sat in while we worshipped in the old gym.

It was a great service. I posted pictures of it on the sermon blog I administer for the church.

There was great music (the new sound system is wonderful). There were announcements and recognition for all those who have worked so hard to restore a sanctuary to our congregation.

A local TV station even did a news piece on it.

After all the congratulations and recognitions my friend and pastor paused to tell my family and I how much they love us.

He knows the cost this whole chapter in our lives has been to us.

But, it is an end to a chapter.

That afternoon Brenda wanted to take the dog for a walk, I declined to accompany her, sensing she wanted time alone.

Apparently I was right.

She told me later that she started text messaging the other man and ended up calling him. She told him she was going to stay with her family.

That may sound like something to rejoice over, and perhaps it is. But I am wary.

I believe she has called him this week, though she says she has not seen him.

Tomorrow we are going in to the counselor again, where I expect her to state clearly what her decision is.

I will also have to be clear about what I expect.

I want her to quit her job. She does not.

I want her to tell me she is sorry and that she will work hard at restoring our marriage.

She feels obligated to stay because of her responsibilities for our children.

I want to have a partner, a mate, someone to love me, to help my bruised heart heal.

She wants different things on an hourly basis.

I haven’t many options.

The only person I can really work with is myself. I can only discipline my own heart, my own actions. I can only seek to heal us.

The other option, if I feel I cannot trust her, or feel we cannot learn to love again, is to file for divorce.

Very narrow choices.

I am certain I will have my Lord beside me, no matter what tomorrow brings.

I am supposed to be at work, parent-teacher conferences, from 4:00 to 8:00 tomorrow night. But I will be leaving the counselor’s at 4:00.

I’m sorry this little post is so scattered. My heart and mind are so mixed up right now. I have begun three posts these last few days, and finished none of them.

I had a nice start about ending chapters, the anticipation of beginning a new chapter and all. But I didn’t finish it. Maybe I will fix it up for Job's Tale.

At any rate, the move into the new building is the end of a chapter. Jeremiah started that fire, it destroyed so much of the old, dangerous, building. And now we are in a nice, clean, warm and friendly place to worship. It is a good place for our community to meet, to hold concerts, and weddings, and all sorts of other events.

I wish hearts were as easy to renovate.

I need a miracle to pull the ashes out of my wife’s heart and build up a new sanctuary there where she and I can share and learn to love each other and the Lord again.