Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Mixed Metaphors

It was pretty rough.

There were the initial pleasantries about the weather or recent news or something, I really don’t remember.

He asked about new developments. Brenda sid something about deciding to stay, but I pointed out that she is still calling this other man on the phone.

I reminded them about the details of my ultimatum of the week before and the conversation spun toward the earth like a pilot in a World War I dogfight who had made the fatal error of letting a German Ace get in on his six.

We soon agreed on a divorce.

It was as if a grenade had been thrown into the room and our marriage had been splattered over the walls.

The counselor began to gently pry at the shards of our comments and found a common ground for us.

Neither of us are happy with the results, but the results are what they are.

She promised to stay and work on our marriage (the definition of what that means took some time to reveal), and not see or contact that other fellow, the one who doesn’t mind making love to a woman with a wedding ring on her finger.

She feels she is sacrificing her happiness of the sake of our children.

I agreed to not play detective and be watching to see if she breaks her word. He said that if she does, it would soon be apparent and we can then take the actions we thought appropriate.

We also agreed to give him the authority to advise us on what steps we should take to see if we can stitch together our marriage like some sort of creation of Dr. Viktor Von Frankenstein’s.

He said we were not ready for a marriage retreat. That there is too much work for us to do to place ourselves in such a crucible at this point.

He told us to concentrate on healing our current wounds, perhaps try to have some fun.

It is going to take a lot of work.

We had conferences tonight and I arrived home about 8:30. The bedroom lights were out and she was in bed.

I understand this is hard for her. She feels I am boring, that she is no longer attracted to me, that she wants something else.

But, here we are.

Perhaps this is a place where a miracle can happen.

Perhaps we can heal from these wounds. Perhaps she can find a way to be happy.

Perhaps we can rekindle a love that has been doused by too much nasty water.

A miracle.

Miracles of the heart.

Isn’t that where God works best? Isn’t that where my Lord dwells in His Church?

In my heart. In our hearts.

So... another chapter ends, another begins.

She was to make one more contact with this other guy, to tell him it is over.

I don’t know if she did it tonight or if she is waiting to do it in person, or simply wants more time.

I will try to be patient, understanding.

But my patience is wearing pretty thin.

This was her second affair. Strike two. (Sheesh, I’m mixing a lot of metaphors in this little piece of writing!)

She is in bed. I'll go join her. We'll sleep with our backs to each other, forming the deep canyon where our hurts flow between.

It is all such a mess. A divorce would be cleaner, neater. This future is uncertain.

But I will be patient a little longer yet.


Ame said...

Will ... let me be as clear as possible. A divorce is NOT cleaner. A divorce is NOT neater. The real hell begins when the decree is signed. Divorce is hell. Pure hell. There is nothing good about divorce. It is the least of two evils, but it does not bring peace or joy. It brings pain you cannot imagine. When you don't have a choice, you don't have a choice. If she cannot choose to exclusively be with you, you do not have a choice.

Let the counselor take you through everything he can to try to save your marriage. One of the very last visits with my counselor, when the decision was made to divorce, I told him there was nothing left for me to do. He looked at me and said, "I wanted to make sure you had exhausted every possibility to save your marriage." And let me tell you, he worked my butt off and I did exhaust EVERY possibility to save my marriage. I had NO idea at that time how poignant and necessary that was.

God hates divorce because He loves us so much He hates to see the crucifying pain we must endure due to divorce. I absolutely hate that I am divorced, that I am a single mom. I hate it. If I could be married again yesterday, I would be. I hate this life. It has nothing to do with being better than being married to an abusive sex addict. These are two totally separate things. I had no choice in the divorce. That is done. I hate being divorced. That is reality.

Divorce will be equally as much hell for her as it will be for you ... even if she is the one who chooses it.

The hell divorce will bring on you and Brenda will be little compared to the hell it will bring on your children.

You had better make sure you have exhausted every possible opportunity to save your marriage, no matter how silly or goofy or far-fetched. You will need that assurance that the right decision was made to carry your boys through their pain. I needed to know that this was THE very best thing for my kids in order to endure their pain. IT IS HELL!!!

ALSO ... YOU ARE NOT BORING. Brenda is ADDICTED to the high of the thrill. When she comes into reality she must face her own demons ... which she has chosen NOT to do ... and she cannot take responsibility for that either. So, she must blame you ... you're the only other one in the marriage. And since no person can feed the thrill-addict all the time, she must choose to call you boring. If she does not choose to call you boring, she must choose to face her own reality ... and that reality sucks, so she denies it.

ALSO, NO ONE GOES INTO RECOVERY UNTIL LIVING IS MORE HELL THAN GOING THROUGH RECOVERY BECAUSE RECOVERY IS NOTHING SHORT OF HELL. If her reality does not become bad enough, if she can find a way to exist in this world she's created, she will. When her world becomes more hell than getting help, then she will get help. Recovery SUCKS. What she must go through to get healthy SUCKS. Facing her own demons sucks. There is nothing pretty or good about it ... until you get out on the other side. Recovery is for very, very, very sick people. Brenda is very, very, very sick. It is HARD to get well. It will be facing her reality, and then putting it to death and burying it, and then creating something new so she can be a person who can live and function in this world. IT IS HELL. Hell that is worth it ... but it will be very hard for her to see that from within.

My first night in the Sexual Abuse Recovery group ... when I walked into that room something inside me transformed into this other woman ... it was powerful, strong, and it overtook me. (Mind you, I had already been in counseling for over a year at this point and remained in counseling through this group and beyond.) Anger like I'd never experienced forced its way out of me. It was so intense that several of the women told me later they almost did not come back to group because of me and my anger that first day. THAT is scary stuff because we were all angry. There was a woman in there who had gone through the six month group several times, and I still remember watching her go through it before me. I looked at the calm, serene, peaceful face of hers, pointed to her and said, "I'm here because I want to look like that." I remember what her face looked like going through the group before me. If I didn't have that face of hers to look at to set a goal that had been reached, I could not have done it. I also knew about seven other women who had gone through the group, but I watched this one go through ... and I saw the change.

Make NO mistake about it, Will, YOU ARE IN HELL. EITHER WAY OUT IS HELL. THERE IS NO EASY ANSWER HERE. Ask God to infuse you with His patience and strength and endurance continuously with every breath you take ... you will need it. THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT. That sucks. (And it makes "shit" mild. :)

I know this is harsh, but this is reality; and I would not be your friend if I didn't show you the whole picture.

You are a man of character and integrity who has overcome incredible odds to be who you are, all by the grace of God which you chose to accept. Living with you is like looking in the mirror everyday and seeing what she could have become but didn't make the same choices. That's hard to face. The very presence of Christ is convicting, and He is actively alive and working inside you. This is a spiritual battle that is SO much bigger than you. You are not boring; your very presence is convicting. And there's not one of us who enjoys living under conviction. THAT IS NOT BAD. THAT IS GOOD. SHE NEEDS TO BE UNDER CONVICTION. IT IS NOT YOU BRINGING HER UNDER CONVICTION. IT IS THE HOLY SPIRIT OF GOD LIVING INSIDE YOU.

Let God be God here. Do NOT get in His way.

Let the counselor guide you. You will have to choose to trust him because your emotions will not be able to.

Let Brenda crash ... it needs to be so bad she's willing to get help.

And keep writing ... sanity, whatever little bits of it we can smuggle into our lives ... is priceless.

Praying for you . . .

ukok said...

Still praying.

Amrita said...

You are OK. Brenda needs to focus herself on what she has said, be accountable and be ready to take discipline and advice.Maybe she needs a woman friend to help her carry on.
In the west the women are so financially independent that they don 't care and society also doesn 't care. In India women are not so free, mind you that is bad too.Like with my sister.
Building up a broken relationshiop is very hard work. I don 't know what is going on between my sis and , just very little.

Jada's Gigi said...

Wow, did Ame preach it to you or what? I think I have to say AMEN to every word...Praying brother.

Anonymous said...

Catching up Will - wow....
will continue to pray.

Cinder said...

Have been gone a while...just wanted you to know I'm praying for you...