Blue

I started feeling blue this afternoon.

I have decided to try to work things out with my wife, mostly because she says she wants to and because I see indications she has had a change of heart.

I see our Lord has been reinforcing those feelings of hers through a series of events. Brenda is starting to see miracles around her, good things coming from bad. That last part is something she has trouble doing.

She could have been killed in that accident a week ago. She has driven too frequently without a seat belt. She got a ticket for that a couple of weeks ago. She was belligerent to the officer at the time. Now she sees that without that ticket she probably would not have had her belt on and she may have been killed. She went to the police station and left the ticketing officer a thank you card.

Several factors in the last instants before the accident placed the vehicles in such a way that the impact was more toward the front of her car than directly against the driver’s door. Again, she probably would have been killed.

Each of the persons in the other vehicles had their belts on. Two adults and five children. Even the ones in the parked car. Again, very fortunate.

The insurance looks like it will be able to cover everything for the other cars.

Being without a vehicle put a great deal of strain on getting things done, with Brenda driving me to work so she could have the van and I getting rides from coworkers.

But, out of the blue, someone gave her a car (Geo Prizm, 204,000 miles, but runs good). Well not exactly gave. Sold it to us for $2. They also insisted on buying a new battery and paying the title transfer fees.

The incredible news that Jeremiah has been granted permanent residence status when it looked like we would be eternally wrapped in the red tape streaming from immigration, Homeland Security, and the general grinding cogs of beuacracy, was good news beyond our best expectations.

Today, she got the news that the job she was hoping for, praying for, is hers. Twenty hours a week, $19,000 a year. Hours are perfect for her to be able to get the kids off to school.

She is seeing a lot of good things come her way, and she isn’t the type of person who sees the good in things.

Still... she has mixed feelings about the situation. Her affair was as much about running away from the challenges of our lives as it was about the excitement she got from the affair itself.

So, last night, I could tell she was missing... him.

That bothered me.

A lot.

I was busy today... I had a lot going on in my classes, so I was distracted. But in the back of my mind and in the depths of my heart, worries and anxieties were growing.

I had to work a little late. But I think I was trying to work a little late. For when the girls I was helping work on a video left, I found I really didn’t want to go home.

My friend and coworker told me some nice things this afternoon as I was locking the door to the classroom. Things about how I have kept my hand in events around the school (videos for assemblies, lead singer for a Battle of the Bands staff band, raffling off my beard to encourage kids to raise money...) and he said he knew I was going through a lot, yet I still did good work.

Secretly I disagree with him. I suppose I have done what is expected of me, and perhaps a touch more... but I haven’t done nearly the quality and creative teaching I expect of myself. He said I am a good man, but I know myself to be weak, fearful, full of doubt.

Someone told me they had shown their wife one of my posts and she had said that I have “the patience of Job.” First, I don’t think Job had a lot of patience. Endurance, but not patience. But it was nice to hear anyway.

So I have folks who tell me nice things. And I am needful of such encouragement.

Good news about Isaac. His IEP meeting this week went well. It appears he has been working so hard, doing his very best, and that with the tutoring classes he is getting, and his determined avoidance of special ed. classes, it is looking like he will earn a regular high school diploma like any other kid.

I am proud of my son.

I was watching Jeremiah play solitaire on the computer, and I was astonished how fast he is at sorting those cards. He was moving and placing them faster than I could follow. Much faster than I could have done it. It made me feel that he has a skill for seeing patterns and sorting, and maybe he will find work which will suit him.

I am hopeful for my son.

I have lots of good things going on around me. Still, I have nagging feelings which drag on me.

Frankly, I’m depressed.

Yeah.

I’m always writing spiritual takes on the events of my life, about how I see God working in my life. Truthfully, I’m a pretty screwed up person. I think that the image I project in these posts is one of someone a lot better than the person I really am.

I yearn for my wife’s love. I ache for an end to the challenges which seem to face us.

Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I am just emotionally worn out.

I have deep doubts about my wife’s future fidelity, but I cannot express them to her for fear my doubts may encourage them to come true.

I have a lot of good traits. I am strong in many ways, but secretly, in my deepest heart, I am rather insecure about many things, especially... am I loved?

My appearance has changed lately. I was pretty lucky with the beard thing. I expected to get Elvis sideburns, or an Abe Lincoln beard, or tiger stripes, or random splotches. Instead the student who won the drawing at the Battle of the Bands fund raiser just had me shave my cheeks and remove the “soul patch.” Since the school year began I haven’t gone in for a haircut once. So I have this hippy look happening with my hair, and a well-groomed look in my “goatee.”

There have been times in my life where I changed parts of myself, (from “Bill” to “Will,” from long hair to conservative cut, etc.), and the events of this past year tend to make me want to have some outward change. Perhaps this new look in hair and beard could be that for me now.

I’m wearing my wedding ring. It makes me feel awkward somehow. I felt awkward the couple of weeks I had it off. When I had it off I was embarrassed and took to hiding my left hand. Now it is on again I still feel awkward about the circumstances and I continue to hide my left hand.

My life is full of blessings and miracles. I have things in my life which make me happy, things I see which I find beautiful, a marriage which may be on its way to restoring itself.

Still... I am feeling blue today.

I’m not sure why.