Jeremiah had gone with someone for an evening at a different church and wouldn’t be back until after 10:30. Isaac would be OK.
I prayed through ultra fine Sharpies on the wall, creating a leather apron on The Carpenter.
I prayed over my imploded marriage, over my parenting, and about my faith. I prayed my gratitude and my praises for He who made things of wood and created things of stars and things of hope and things of life.
The prayers took my heart on a short journey of self examination, confession, sorrow, and release.
I went back for another two hours this morning. Finished the apron.
Finished my prayers.
I got back home before the boys awoke.
On Saturdays Jeremiah has Special Olympics practice. I was going to be a coach this year, with Brenda... but...
I promised I would coach the Special Olympics bowling in the Fall, she can take this season.
It’s good she have this weekly connection with Jeremiah. I’ll spend Saturday morns with Isaac.
Frankly, seeing her each week, working with her there, the place where her boyfriend works, is more than I think I can accept.
Isaac and I went for a work out at the gym. She and Jeremiah were home when we returned.
She and I went over details of the house... bills, accounts, appointments. She rolled Isaac’s dreads.
I talked with the boys about my rereading the works of H. G. Wells. I told them I had requested DVDs of “The Time Machine” 2002, and 1960, and a radio drama of the story from from the 30s on CD.
Brenda pleasantly, if awkwardly, shared in the conversation with only slightly feigned interest. She and I are trying to negotiate a path, new and strange to both of us... a pair of people who care for each other, but who are headed in different directions, though we will continue to share certain responsibilities.
We took the dog for a walk.
A long one.
We spoke of details need doing. Of divorce papers, and the quit claim. We spoke of how to guide our children through the difficult times ahead. About the coming meeting with immigration on the 15th that could result in Jeremiah being denied residency, could even potentially include deportation (unlikely, but a scary possibility).
And we spoke gently. We spoke of how it is clear there is no turning from this path, though we still care for each other.
She hugged me, and told me how sorry she is, and how wrong she has been, and how we can still be kind to each other. We each shed a couple of tears.
I hugged her, told her I miss her, that I love her still, but I know I can never trust her with my heart.
We walked along the old logging road beneath maples and firs, overlooking the river, holding hands.
It was a tender walk, colored with sadness.
We each spoke of our own mistakes, confessing our sins to each other, forgiving each other, accepting this new reality.
I told her how I knew I could never really trust her again and how without such trust we could not have a marriage we would want.
She told me how she is sorry how things have turned out, and knows she spent, threw away, my trust. She said that when I had first discovered the affair we may have been able to make it work had she truly broken off with John and dedicated herself to working toward the understanding of each other we are now, ironically, reaching. She said this final failure of our marriage is hers, not mine.
I told her how I have been rethinking the past 28 years, seeing her, and seeing myself, in a new, more honest, light. How I know myself better, know her better, than I ever have.
My heart swung from sorrow to resolve, and from naked honesty to regret.
The walk was filled with echoes of old affections, reborn in new circumstances. We hugged several times, walked holding hands. She tried to defend her lover, I dismissed him with short arguments regarding honor and living a life without treachery and deceit. We decided perhaps we should change the subject.
I told her she is still my best friend and she cried over her betrayal.
We left our conversation with a rededication to a future where we would seek to help each other, being fair, kind, gentle, honest.
In some ways we are far more honest now than we have been in a very long time. We are free to be honest for there is little left to lose, little left to protect, little left to fear.
She will be back Monday morning, see the boys off to school as I head off to work.
We went over the details of immediate tasks need doing, and vague plans to get together over the divorce papers and changing bank accounts.
She loves me, and I love her.
We trust each other enough to be fair, to be honest and to work toward caring for the children, or at least my caring for them and she helping.
This love cannot extend to a future as man and wife, for there has been too much betrayal.
But... I can learn to live this new life, learn to be a single parent, learn to sleep in a bed alone.
And as strange as it sounds, I think we can do this with affection and caring.
I think I’ll go back to the Prayer Room now.
5 comments:
What an example of a Godly man. Thanks for sharing your humanity, your faith, your love for God, your family and us too!
I am amazed, sorrowed, impressed - a whole bunch of emotions in your note. Will pray for all of you.
Beautiful prayers on that wall...
I was just lying in bed, reading "The Time Machine" by Wells, when I was struck by an odd realization.
Perhaps it was because I was on the bed. Perhaps it was because the novel was describing a future where gender nearly disappears.
My mind went back to that walk today, of the affection she and I displayed toward each other.
I thought how if someone had seen us, walking together, holding hands, tenderly hugging each other, they would have assumed we are lovers.
And I realized that it seems inappropriate for she and I to have sex.
What a strange thought.
She is still my wife.
But my heart and mind has already moved to the place where she is not mine.
It feels sad. But it tells me more clearly than ever, that we are indeed, going to divorce.
the prayers of a righteous man availeth much.
"a pair of people who care for each other, but who are headed in different directions, though we will continue to share certain responsibilities.'" Wow you are such decent civililied souls, to tell you the truth I could never have done this. I have much to learn from your patience and love Will.
May the Lord bless and protect your heart for from it flow the rivers of life.
Will, I'm still reading, still praying....I've been waiting for the 'she came back' post, and it hasn't yet arrived so I'm thinking maybe this time is for real for her and for you...and because of that, I would offer you a little advice, feel free to ignore it.
My advice is simply this...it may be dangerous for you, emotionally, to continue to kiss, to hold hands....to be affectionate with one another..yes, she is still your wife, but she has drawn a line beneath all those years you shared together as man and wife...when the actions belie the words we speak...they can cause us so much confusion and make it oh so much more difficult to step away....I only mention this because i am concerned for you.
God Bless you brother.
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