It Has the Ring of Truth

I went to a men’s breakfast at our church this morning. The food was what one would expect for a meal prepared by men. Sausages, eggs in pans mixed with varying degrees of spicy peppers, coffee and muffins and bagels and other artery blocking manly food. But hey, we had some oranges and strawberries laid out too.

I took a corner table, mostly with guys I don’t know very well, and kept my left hand covered as much as possible so no one would notice my wedding band is missing. Not that they would. Guys don’t tend to notice things that do not produce a physical reaction of some sort.

It was an informal little get together. There were the great grandpas and the expectant dads, but mostly guys in between, like me, guys beginning to sport more salt than pepper in their beards.

They had sheets of paper laid out on the tables so we could jot down ideas, things we could do together to foster a sense of brotherhood, the whole iron sharpening iron thing.

The list included what one would expect, fishing and camping trips, canoeing, climbing Mount Hood. I slipped in poker, mentoring, and a commitment to prayer.

Of course we couldn’t have such a get together without some sort of a speaker. And being the informal affair it was we got our pastor to say a few words.

Well, perhaps not few... he spoke for 45 minutes. But the points he made were few. (Hmmmm... that sounds like he must have rambled quite a bit, but really, it came together quite nicely and the drifts into discussion of postmodernism, secularism, and pluralism worked in some way to show how things that are of true value are threatened).

His chat was about the three areas we need to do well in if we are to leave a legacy, to live worthy lives: love God, love our wives, love our children.

I, of course, thought about my failures in those areas. Especially that of my wife.

It would be easy for me to go into a rant about the fickleness of the feminine heart (yeah, I know, men are just as, if not more, delinquent in this regard). I could talk about how I have been hurt and wail at the unfairness of my life.

Instead, I have been thinking about how self-absorbed I was when I was young. How selfish and oblivious I was to her needs. Perhaps one of the worst parts of the domination men tend to have over women is their complete blindness to that domination.

As I have grown older I gradually began to grow up, see further, see her. Unfortunately, she had drifted away as I grew.

Now I am much more the someone she had hoped I would have been when we were younger, but we are now in the middle of this huge mess.

When we went to the immigration office Tuesday I put my wedding ring back on, thinking its absence may not look good for the stability we are promising for Jeremiah. She put hers on as well.

That afternoon I took mine off again. It is Saturday, she is still wearing hers.

She wants to repair our marriage.

I love her. I do not trust her, and I have trouble believing she has really changed, that this couldn’t happen again.

She wants to move back, but has agreed that staying with her AA sponsor is best for now.

And I feel like a heel.

I write these posts to work through my thoughts, my feelings. but a side effect of this blog is the input I receive from others, folks who share of themselves, holding up mirrors for me to see my reflection in.

And there is quite a range.

Here are some fine examples:

My heart is deeply burdened for both you and Brenda. I know that you know that the ghosts you write of are brought to your mind by our enemy, the evil one. Believe, truly believe in your heart that Jesus can and will give you victory over those ghosts, every time they come to mind, when you ask Him. You'll have to ask over and over again because it is an ongoing war. But Jesus cares, and He never gets tired of hearing our pleas and helping us.

you keep saying she needs to figure herself out before she comes back... You are her life Will... l..... let go and let God have dominion over your marriage... where do we become like Christ and say we can forgive and move on.....I do not know when Brenda started to drink or if it was before or during your marriage... you vowed through good times and bad... sickness and health

she is so messed up Will. I would love a healthy Greenleaf family but you keep bouncing back and forth. Choices shouldn't be based on emotion at this point. She needs to make decisions and stick to them. Not TRY to stick to them. How many times has she started and stopped AA, made decisions not to lie, not to see him, to be honest? She needs time on her own.

When you are totally committed to and in love with someone, it's hard to see anything beyond that. Someone could say to you, "Hey buddy, she's stabbing you repeatedly in the heart. RUN!" And you would still reply while coughing blood, "No she's not. I'm fine."

You need to wake up and see that the small gestures she makes is not going to work in the long run. Yes, she is miserable and so are you, but this open door policy needs to stop. Even if that means she can't see the boys right now (or perhaps at a place away from your home), so be it. They'll be better off by having your constant presence with them, without the turmoil between you and Brenda. Don't be in a wyshy stage and allow yourself to be swayed by every little positive step she makes. Close the door and give her the chance to heal. You as well.

Brenda is coming over all the time. She is trying to continue all she has done here. I try to make it clear I need to be the one to fix meals, clean the house, wash clothes. But a week of good intentions do not erase a year long affair.

She was over yesterday for most of the day. She wanted to help Isaac get ready for the prom, take him to it in Portland.


We went together, and I accompanied her to an AA meeting.

I know I am being weak here. I know I am having trouble setting boundaries. She comes over to help, but in the end is it help?

I cannot accept her back, I cannot send her away.

In full honesty with myself I believe she is going to sneak off and see him. I believe it will be obvious.

Should I put that ring back on? Should I insist she spend as little time here as possible? Should I just concentrate on my kids, my faith, and let things rest for a while in my heart, her heart?

I took the ring off because I thought there was no hope for our marriage. I took the ring off because she was living with another man and had picked up divorce papers.

I framed that empty finger against the newly planted peach tree, in front of the recently removed cedar of leabanon.

A freak hail storm yesterday did not damage that tree, but lent the sort of symbolsim I see everywhere... that life is full of unexpected changes.


The little tree is blossoming in the yard filled with hard pebbles of ice.


I put a ring on her finger, so she would always be reminded she was mine. She put a ring on mine to keep me mindful of her.

All those bits of advice ring in my ears... circles of advice, well meaning, heartfelt aphorisms ringing with sincerity, ringing with truth.

I know I need to let her heal apart from us. She is still so bitter, so volatile. I've told her to let me take care of the boys.

I keep thinking about that ring of gold, a symbolic circle pledging continued devotion...


I have no idea if I should wear it as a symbol of my own vows, my own commitment toward a healthy life with her, until she finally proves it is pointless.... or remove it for now as a gesture of recognition that we are not living our lives as a married couple.

Gestures and symbols... Words of advice and whispers from my heart... they all have the ring of truth.