Don’t Read This

This is one of those awkward posts. I want to journal it, work through my thoughts. It’s one of those times when I think about my readers... who might read it, what they might infer. But, this is where I process and as long as I am careful...

On Leap Year Day 1980 I first laid eyes on Brenda.

I was struck dumb and numb.

Typical for a 23 year old I suppose.

She moved her stuff into my house (though I had told her clearly I was not ready for that) while I was a thousand miles away. In the fall of 1981 we married.

Now, though I think I may be clever, I know I’m still pretty much a knuckle dragging mouth breather, and that was much truer nearly three decades ago. (Though at the time I thought I knew what was going on... again typical of a young male.)

We had a lot of adventures over those years. Some joyous, some filled with grief. Now, after the sunset of my marriage, I see that throughout all that time I did not clearly see the woman beside me.

Hey, I’m no angel. Far from it. There were many times when I was wrong, and sometimes I fought to be right when I wasn't, and it was of no import in the first place.

Now I’m past the mid point in this mortal life and things look quite different as I watch a second showing of those old 8 mm films flickering in my mind.

I didn’t see who she was.

Part of that set me up for the grief I’ve felt these last couple of years. Part of it caused that grief. Yes, she made mistakes, big ones, but that is beside the point, which is the me on the upper side of the half century mark is quite different than the me under the quarter century mark.

I told a friend once I think we all carry the marks of the crisis of our lives. That it’s like we are metal tools that have been bent, and though the smith has heated us up, and hammered us straight, if one runs a hand over that spot, the damage can still be felt.

This divorce really bent me. I am in the process of being hammered smooth again.

I went out on a date Friday night.

It was good.

My heart raced throughout the evening. Just being somewhere with a woman who was not my wife of most of my mortal years felt... It felt strange.

I’m a rather loyal person, and I have been careful of my marriage vows. Very careful. But those vows have been blown away by a too common storm. Still, there is a huge amount of emotional inertia in three decades of loyalty.

And there are parts of me I am suspicious of... I am very new at being single. I still have trouble sleeping in an empty bed. I am still unused to evenings without adult conversation. There is a part of me that craves it as an addict. I do not want to start any relationship now while I am uncertain if my heart is being swayed by those addictions.

So, Friday night was good for me. She was kind, friendly, intelligent, witty, and very understanding of this ol’ gun shy war horse. It was wonderful to be in the company of someone so pretty. Hmmmm... no, more beautiful than pretty. Anyway, she understood I had no idea what I was doing and that I was a little wide eyed just to be going out like that.

Now I wonder... what next? Part of me is hollering: “Careful, you idiot!”

Probably good advice.

I should probably date a number of people. Let my heart grow slowly used to this. Let me get to know them well. Look for friendships, be open to more, but keep tapping the brakes of my heart (sheesh, how many metaphors have I used in this post so far?... hmmmmmm.... I count eight). The loyalty part of me is already feeling that dating others might be unfaithful, a ridiculous thought. Dang, I'm monogamous! ("Careful, you idiot!")

So... There’s my post, voicing thoughts rattling around inside this noggin’. It was a good night Friday. I slept very well. A good sign.

The smith is hammering the rough edges straight. Most of the major heating and the pounding I took on the anvil of the last couple of years is over.

Now... if you disregarded the title of this post and read it anyway, what the heck. I’ve revealed a lot more here than this!