Wednesday, May 20, 2009



Thinking about thinking.

I learned of the concept in college.  

What am I thinking?  Why am I thinking in that particular way?  How did I arrive at those conclusions?  How much of these thoughts are influenced by what I imagine versus what is?  How much of these thoughts are influenced by my personality?  How much of these thoughts are influenced by my level maturity?  How much of these thoughts are influenced by my faith?  Am I wanting to please?  Am I seeking justification?  Am I thinking rationally, emotionally, spiritually, or randomly?


Thinking about thinking.

I noticed last night that my hands are nearly healed.  

That isn’t a small thing.  I developed psoriasis ten years ago.  It has been mild, and it has been not so mild.  Spots in my scalp, knees, ankles, toes, but especially hands.  The last couple of years it has been frequently so bad that a firm handshake, one of those too strong handshakes would cause me to cringe.  I've found blood on papers I handle.

Last night I glanced over them to see if there were any new cracks developing. What a surprise!  They have a few rough patches left over from splits of a week ago, but not only are they nearly healed, but the skin itself is thicker, healthier.

Times of stress have been followed by these painful faux stigmata, an emotionally induced wound, my body echoing my heart.

I’ve had people mention lately it’s good to see me smiling.

What has changed?

My thinking patterns have changed.

Though I was able to understand, while I experienced it, that I was having self esteem issues, that my emotional state was coloring my mental state, I wasn’t able to alter it.  Through my usual observing of how I think I knew I was being affected.  Now, ad I stand a little straighter, look a little further toward the horizon, I see how deeply I was affected.

My wife had an affair.  A second one.  She yanked me back and forth while her fickle heart wrestled with desire and guilt.  She would leave, she would beg to return, I would relent, she would sneak out.

In the end I went and got the divorce papers, filled them out, dragged her to a notary public, filed them.  I ended the marriage because she didn’t have the courage to do so.

In the last couple of weeks I have accepted this new state, being single.  

In the last couple of weeks I have been with people who made me feel I was worth something.

That isn’t a small thing.


I look at how I am thinking, what paths my mind takes, I see something new.  I see there was more to this episode of my life than marital betrayal.  There is more to this than my best friend, the one I most trusted, thought me unworthy.

A part of me believed it.  Really drank deep of that poisonous lie.

I saw those thoughts weaving in and out of my days, but I hadn’t realized how much they had influenced the way I thought.

In the last couple of weeks I have begun to accept I am not a piece of trash, easily discarded, or worse, an obstacle to someone's  happiness.

In the last couple of weeks a change in the flavor of my thoughts makes life palatable.  in the last couple of weeks I’ve felt my heart shift.

My hands are healing.

My heart is healing.

I am smiling again.


becky said...



Anonymous said...


Amrita said...

wishuing you God 's healing . May He restore your soul and body.And lead you by green pastures.

Anonymous said...

shs - you R worth something, artless

Ann said...

I am so happy for you! : )