Ashes for Beauty

Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. --Job 2:8

I get it. I’ve felt the ashes in my heart for some time. Not a comfortable feeling for a guy who is generally optimistic, always seeing possibilities.

There are the ashes of my marriage. There are the ashes sitting on my desk scraped from the remains of the church my son burned down. There are the ashes of my hopes as a father from when my first child drifted off from a sleep into eternity. And there are fresher ashes of the fatherly dream of hopes of what my next two children could be taught, could be nurtured to be.

It is hard to believe one is beautiful when covered with ashes.

I want that to change.

“Trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy, I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross”
“At the Foot of Cross”, Kathryn Scott

I want to trade these ashes for beauty. Especially the ashes of the relationship with the woman I love.

I am willing to let her go.

Wednesday I am going to say what I need to say. I think it has been good to let it sit for a week, even though the pendulum of her moods is hard to take. She has been giving a lot of thought to life. Our life and a life of us apart. It is good for her to work through this and perhaps come closer to making a decision without demands from me.

But time is up.

So, to the point of this little bit of writing.

What I will say on Wednesday:

Dear Brenda:

I love you. Without conditions, I love you.

I have hurt you. You have hurt me. That will not continue. Either we will rebuild our marriage and find ways to love, to cherish, to honor, or we won’t be married.

Though I love you unconditionally, my love is not based on what I expect from you, or get from you, or think about how our life can be good, wonderful, exciting, fulfilling. I love you because I see within you a soul connected to mine. I simply love you.

However, a marriage does have conditions. It is between two people It is a partnership, working together. I promise to work on my share of that partnership if you choose to remain married to me.

Choose.

Stay or go. No more of the limbo, the shadow world of maybes and mightbes.

Choose.

If you choose to go there are conditions for that as well.

You can have half of all we have, but you cannot take either child.

You have thought about taking Jeremiah with you. I will not permit that. It isn’t good for him. Not only would he see his parents' marriage dissolve, he would suffer other losses as well.

He will lose what I can offer him as father. My nightly talks and prayers with him. My emotional support as he is confused about day to day events. My daily demonstrations of love.

He will lose his home. The place where he feels secure, safe, where there are routines he understands and relies upon.

He will lose his brother. His best friend. The sibling that means so much to him, who watches over him and cares for him.

He will lose the routines of the traditions of our home, daily, weekly annual traditions which gives him the sense of security he craves.

Without all these things he will act out. He will sadden. He will listen to the voices in him that whisper about the dark things.

If you choose to leave you cannot have Jeremiah.

That is it. If you leave you can take half of our things, but nothing else from our home.

If you choose to stay...

If you choose to stay there are conditions as well.

You cannot have this other man in your life. You will have to sever all contact with him.

I want a marraige. I want to be a partner in this endeavor. As partners is the only way it will work.

For that to work, you will have to be commmited to this marraige. Perhaps that will be a difficult cross for you to bear. I can understand how it may be hard for you. Perhaps it will be easier some day. But you must commit to being true, holding true. If you ever feel your heart waiver you must not compromise our marriage. If either of us ever waivers in any aspect of our marriage, the solution cannot be to seek another. The solution must be to work within the marriage, through frank, honest, kind conversations, through counseling, through whatever it takes. This must hold firm. I am placing this condition on our marriage: there is no further infidelity for as long as we are legal man and wife.

You may have to quit that job, though it may put a burden on others, if our marriage is worth working on, all ties to this other man will have to be the sacrifice you must make.

But if you choose to stay, then I will offer all of who I am to love, to cherish, to nurture you.

I will not hurt you by holding any of the hard things we have gone through. Instead I will give you all that I can to make you happy, to feel loved and cared for.

I know I have short comings, and I will do what I can to grow in ways that will be good for you as well as for me. Indeed, I will make those changes in myself with or without you. For I want to please God with what He has given me, and that means being the best man I can be, working through my flaws and shortcomings.

If you choose to stay I will keep my work hours closer to 40 than 60. I will contribute all I can to our home that to give you the freedom to laugh and enjoy our home.

You will need to work on the hurts that have marred your spirit as well. You need to deal with all the hurts that have damaged you. Even if you leave I strongly encourage you to deal with those hurts, for if you do not the pain they cause you will damage any relationships you may have. You need to heal.

That is it. I do not want you to make a snap judgment about this. I want you to consider this decision carefully.

But this is not a decision that can wait too long.

Within one week you will need to come down off the fence which divides these two futures.

You need to choose.

I love you with all of my heart. I want good things for you.

It is now your choice.

Choose to be my partner in this life.

Or move on.


I want to change these ashes for beauty.