Beware of Darkness

Watch out now, take care
Beware of the thoughts that linger
Winding up inside your head
The hopelessness around you
In the dead of night

Beware of sadness
It can hit you
It can hurt you
Make you sore and what is more
That is not what you are here for

"Beware of Darkness"
--George Harrison

I've been stoic while with Brenda. I show no reaction, say nothing, when she says and does the things which would, did, get a rise out of me.

There are so many little things that need doing.

I went grocery shopping, pretty much for the month. I used the coupons Brenda had clipped, went to two stores to make the most of them. I'm not used to it, comparisons of quality, price per ounces, what is needed and what is simply tempting because of the coupon...

The counselor was telling Brenda and I about Jeremiah, how much he has improved, how he can tell a narrative now. In fact, his IQ scores jumped from 46 to 62 since the testing after the fire three years ago.

(By the way... yesterday we received from the district attorney papers showing those charges have been expunged from his records! Hurray!)

The counselor was relating how well Jeremiah could express himself. She quoted him:

"Mommy moved in with her boyfriend in Molalla. That's not good. You're not supposed to have a boyfriend if you are married. But it's OK, she's staying with Grandma now. And she sees us."

Brenda stiffened.

The counselor continued. She related how Jeremiah had a fair grasp on things, and was able to remember details of things that indicate he has a pretty good working memory. How his mom prepared his favorite foods.

"Yeah, food is pretty important to him," Brenda said. "But he doesn't remember sitting on the bathroom counter with Isaac so I could brush his teeth while Daddy watched reruns of Star Trek! I've done some bad things. Those he remembers. He doesn't remember me taking him to Special Olympics while Daddy did stuff on the computer! He doesn't remember me working my tail off around the house while Daddy sat in classes to get the education I was paying for!"

I didn't say anything. A moment passed, and the counselor continued explaining the growth demonstrated in our children.

I'm rereading The Shack. I don't know why... I guess I am trying to find solace in a personal God while my heart churns, my mind boils with random thoughts... the new theory of quantum gravity, designing my curriculum for the year, the movement to large scale no-till farming, writing the acceptance letter for the scholarship funding two teams of robotics this coming year, a new connection to a professional animation studio willing to work with my students, my wife's infidelity, how I can better explain why the sky is blue to Isaac, the genetic research into human migration patterns, the oral tradition patterns in the Book of Job, what I might put together for a Sunday Service at our church campout, how to teach my sons to be men, the variations in Mbuti Pygmy music...

And I'm trying to keep my mind from darkness.

I'm writing a little piece on Satan's role in the Book of Job and what it implies for my faith.

I'm trying not to think about my imploding marriage.

I'm sweating in my yard. laying paving stones so the trash bins can hide discreetly behind a fence.

I'm trying not to think about Brenda's anger, turned toward me, her claims of my unfairness...

I had an epiphany a few weeks ago.

I realized that God wants me to be happy.

I can't imagine Him very well. I take what I surmise of His nature from scripture and try to expand it to a consciousness that can contain all the matter of the universe, all the diverse souls of Creation, love so vast it isn't constrained by time and space.

And, swirling underneath it all, is the temptation for a omphaloskeptic dive into sorrow and self pity. To heed the sibilant whispers of darkness disguised as light.

I think that is what Brenda is doing... swirling into darkness.

I've held my hand out to her for as long as I could.

Heavenly Father... My Lord. Bless my wife. She is angry and hurt and full of self-loathing. Stir her heart Lord. Help her to feel You near, to want You closer...

She sees all we have built here, all she has worked to build here, evaporating away.

Tomorrow we go to the marriage counselor. I need to be prepared for her usual onslaught of blame and finger pointing... I've been rehearsing what I might say...

I have made a lot of mistakes, and I have worked hard for years to repair the damage. But I cannot undo the past, and that is the only thing you wish to talk about. And I understand that. Because in the past you can find the moments that support your views, excuse your actions. You are afraid and I understand that. But even in your fear you are failing to see a larger picture. You are missing what I need, the security of a faithful wife, of love. And I get that, also. For in seeing my needs you are faced squarely with your current failures. The fact that you have betrayed me over and over, yet I sit here, watching to see if the Lord will perform a miracle, says that I am kinder, more forgiving, more loving, than you deserve.

Of course, I know I receive such forgiveness and love from God. Undeserved forgiveness. And that is humbling.

That is the miracle I pray for you. Humility. I pray that you will look and see the blessing God has poured over you, and that the only way you can enjoy those blessings is if you humble yourself, give up on being right, on justifying yourself, and open your heart fully.

You are hoping I will relent and let you move back in. You are hoping I will fall back into my own self-destructive habits which have allowed you to hurt me so much. Those hopes are not well-founded, though they certainly have precedent.

I'm not sure if I can rediscover a trust for you, but that is a prerequisite for me to allow any woman, you or someone else, into my heart and home again.

Ah well...

These posts of late are not the sort of writing I care to do. They aren't pithy, they ramble too much. They aren't insightful, my mind isn't clear enough to make the connections between my experience and my faith I know are there (but someday I will again).

But, they are a fair record of the bits and pieces of flotsam drifting around the site of my sinking marriage.

That's enough for now. I think I'll avoid going any further along these lines tonight. I'm tired. I'll go pray. It keeps my mind from spinning in darkness. It is not what I am here for.