I Need to Rest

It’s Sunday... day of rest.

I am restless.

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I fell asleep last night about 1:00 a.m. I awoke again at 4:00. Third day in a row.

So much for doubling the dose of the sleeping meds. If I’m not going to sleep, I’m not going to sleep.

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I went to Molalla River State Park early this morning. Rocky romped along the road, through the field I have already written of, sixteen years ago under a March Moon.


The moon was up again... waning and gibbous, two days past full... traces of fog drift over cut grass.

I prayed. For wisdom, strength, peace. I prayed for patience with my children, wisdom to guide them as they ache and hurt. I prayed for Brenda, that... I don’t know, that she would be ok.

I got home... moved towels from washer to dryer, got the sheets off beds and stuck them in the washer. Showered, shaved, got ready for church.

I growled a little too much at Isaac when he came to get into the van... shirt still unbuttoned... after a one hour warning, a half hour heads up, a fifteen minute call, a ten minute countdown, and a two minute “pull it together.”

I had to pick up my mother in law for church (since Brenda is unavailable), and arrived in time to spend a little time dedicating today’s service with the pastors and worship team.

While I do the work that needs doing, while I focused my heart and mind on the lyrics, I ached.

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Brenda called yesterday morn.

“Is it all right if I come over for a bit?”

“Sure.”

“I’m already in town, so I’ll be there in five minutes.”

“OK.”

I sat in the white wicker chair on the front porch.

I didn’t want this conversation inside where my sons might hear.

She was penitent without being repentant.

She apologized for the mess she made of our lives.

She apologized for the hurt I was (am) feeling.

I said nothing for quite a while. She did nearly all the talking. I nodded agreement now and then.

She said something that surprised me a little.

She said that I have been doing a lot for a long time. That in working with the boys, cooking, housework, yard work, it just made her madder and madder. She said I was a good father. She said I would make someone a good husband. She said that the more I did, the angrier she got. She said that sometimes her rage just overwhelmed her... and she doesn’t know why.

She said that she had really wanted to make our marriage work. For a while.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

I stood. Went to the van. Returned with a copy of a post I had written about a month ago... “What I’d Like to Say.”

She read it.

I watched.

Her eyes welled up with tears several times, but they never spilled.

“You’re right,” she said.

“I’m not trustworthy. I lied to you. I’m a bad person.”

I finally replied.

“Yes... you are sick. We all are. I hope... I pray... you will find healing.

“I love you.

“Take care of yourself.”

She said goodbye to Isaac (Jeremiah had gone fishing with a friend... see pics at bottom of post). She came out to where I sat on the porch. Kissed my cheek.

She left.

I sat there thinking about how all the things I have done this past year did not create an atmosphere of partnership, of working together.

Instead, it made her angrier at her hidden feelings, her hidden desires, her deceptions.

In growing a garden, picking cherries, making pies, doing housework and house repairs, I only made her feel worse.

I had tried to do my best, serve my family, and in being a good father, home owner, employee... husband... I had made her feel worse.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord.

On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
--Romans 12:17-20

That seems a strange passage to me...

Have I heaped coals on her head?

Has she been burned by my forgiveness and serving?

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It seemed that nearly every song today held special meaning for me...

............

Trade These Ashes In For Beauty
and Wear Forgiveness Like A Crown
coming To Kiss The Feet Of Mercy
I Lay Every Burden Down
at The Foot Of The Cross

............

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

............

The message today was about service to others.

I like that.

I would rather look outward right now, for how I might help someone else, than look inward.

I have no clue what I’m saying here.

I need to rest.

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Trout

17 pounds of fish

I sit in this spot, in the pastor's office, every Sunday before the service.
We dedicate the service to God... bless the worship team.
It is at this exact spot that Jeremiah played with fire three years ago.